I'm feeling....

N O T H I N G .

feeling nothing has never felt so good.

don't get me wrong, I'm pleased your here. but its different and its awesome.

some say its my middle name....

the whole "you could do better" thing rubs me the wrong way.

its called experimentation.
I'm a self-proclaimed relationship anthropologist.

allow it.

I rule at it.

and I never had to make a sound.

I spent the time in between looking at the cracks of the window covers. a little sliver of light making an appearance as I attempted to tap into my guilt. that is what I was suppose to do. think of all the awful things I've done that consume that bottom of my soul kind of place.

man did I find it.

[I should stop searching. but at the same time...shouldn't i?]

whose going to be the first person to ever really hear me without ever having to make a sound?

sarah spelled with a 'h' was getting bored.

I got into a verbal fistfight tonight with my justgotoutofaVERYseriousrelationship* friend. we've been close for a long time. Debating has been a staple in our friendship for the past five years but this got real.

monogamy is a concept I understand. I've been in relationships. I get it.
Here's my issue: That line between high school infatuation and actual solid gold love for another person.
I'm beginning to doubt it.


I mean I get it in theory. It makes sense. But at this age how exactly is it possible to feel that for another person? I just don't see it. While maintaining simple logic and personal boundaries I believe its vital to act on impulses. if you want to kiss someone, by all means kiss them. its experimentation at its finest. and its important. the disruption in the balances of impulses and the little tug that holds us back from actually doing what we truly want to do creates this amazing rush. Its as though you are actually capable of controlling your own life because OH WAIT you ALWAYS should be.

but when you're in it its different.
then again, that's the infatuation speaking.

*you know what I realized is one of my least favorite phrases? "serious relationship" Relationships should NOT be business agreements. they should be silly.

I'm an inch taller. The games stop now.

the following are letters to some of the boys/lads/men that I was involved with in high school.
viewer discretion advised

Dear Orphan Shaggy,
The truth of the matter is that we got together because you played guitar and you were shy. you were wounded. You were my project. You were tall. On the surface our relationship was stupid. But deeper, probably the closer to one am it got we had something real. You were the first person I wanted to share my midnight pancakes with. You were fun to hang out with at five in the morning when you crashed on my couch because you didn't have anywhere else to go. You were my intro to high school relationships.
thanks bro,
your groupie

Dear Sincere and Earnest Kitten,
I should have stayed with you longer. You were the most sincere and the best one. [if that wasn't clear already]. You were suppose to fill a void. that was horrible for me to use you for that. in fact, knowing you now even better it may be in theory one of the worst things I have done.[and I've done a lot of bad things] But now we're friends. And you tell me that I lead you to what you want to do. That gives me too much credit. You were already headed there my darling. I want to act with you. I want to play characters that are in love so we can be in love for the first time.
fondly,
the cougar

Dear Wannabe,
You are stupid
from,
the girl with x-ray vision

Dear Man-Child,
Seeing you waste away, waste your potential use to make me hurt. I don't care anymore. Sorry. I thought you were genuine. I let you in. you didn't treat me with respect. You didn't realize that I'm worth it. That day on my picnic table was the first day of the rest of my romantic life. You taught me how to avoid the douchebags. How to avoid the re-bounders. How to be independent. How did I learn that you ask? [of course I'll answer, I was always the smarter one you just thought you were] I learned what not to do in a relationship from our time together.
peace out,
harder, better, faster,stronger...[than you]

Dearest CEO,
I have a strange feeling that the romance between us is evaporating. I could be completely wrong but I believe that it is happening as I type this. Realistically its for the best. Someone literally just reminded me that I always fall back on you. You deserve to not be my fall back anymore. If you only really knew all you deserved you would have mountains worth of confidence. The confidence you should have. I'm still halfway down for our agreement but we'll see. I'm probably not down. and I don't think you will be.
always,
your business partner

Dear Plastic Bag,
I liked the way we looked together. That's how it began. it turned into more. You were the first person that I didn't mind getting up early for. also, you were the person I liked driving around with most even though most of the time I didn't like your music. I am sorry for jerking you around. I'm also sorry for hating you secretly. Your awkwardness made my skin crawl but now I understand it. I wonder how things would have been if I had chosen differently at the end of last summer. Different. Very Different. I use to regret it. I don't anymore.
friendly,
formally suffocated


Dear William Miller,
You made me feel good about myself. Too good. It was easy. Too easy? perhaps. Our late night talks were always the best part of my day. there was always a feeling of completely and utter content when I would fall asleep. It felt like too much of a difference. I was filling out college applications when I realized it. Now you are the little brother that I always wanted and should have recognized from the beginning. It would have been incest.
There will be a Morocco [someday],
yours,
Penny Lane.

Dear Forgiving,
Our relationship consists of me doing really stupid things and you somehow always forgiving me. I don't get it. And then you fall for me again. I still haven't figured us out. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know I'm sorry starts meaning less the more someone says it. We're almosts. True almosts. not just in our relationship but with everything. You are capable of so much. Hope I'm there to witness those things. Maybe just not from the seat you wish I was watching from. you always say it'll never be the same again but then its always better than before.
love always,
Ms. Fixit

Bro,
Bro ya later...
-Bro

maybe it was that fucking old fiddle of yours.

the fact that in certain aspects of the work I've done this summer is gold and some of it is chicken shit just goes to show how inconsistent I am. I hate the fact that the one emotion I cannot tap into is one of love and comfort. It just doesn't happen. If I truly follow the technique that my acting teacher as taught us, I am suppose to go with immediate gut reactions.
My gut reaction when someone tells me he loves me in a scene is to laugh at him. its awkward and not true. and even if hes trying to make it true, trying to convey actually love, I'm not buying what hes selling. I can tell it frustrates my acting teacher and the amount it frustrates me is insurmountable.

I need some seasoning or something because I am bitter.

that much is clear.
*and the truth of the matter is before this all happened you were different.

even articokes make mistakes.

lets just call it as it is. I get a little overzealous. when something new happens more often than not I am so surprised that it did that I have to say it out loud to another person to actually believe it. here's where I get in trouble. the saying out loud part. the funny thing is while I am very honest and tell things as they are, how I see them, there is still a lot of things I don't say. I'm still polite right? mostly.I continue to sabotage certain relationships because they are gasping for air, hoping something will change without any actual belief that it will.
in that sense, it isn't my fault. somethings don't change. I can't force myself to want something I don't. I can't just not tell people whats up. I can't be the one that has to compromise how I am.

[I thought we had been over this]