albeit not well.

my morals are becoming gray. and yet, I'm okay with that.
I'm also being held captive in my own head which I'm enjoying. Perhaps my judgment was incorrect though. Perhaps it was too soon. Actually I know for a fact it was. is. these past couple of days I have just felt so full...so uninhibited.
I can't get over how odd it will be to be home for nearly a month. so I won't.
I may hibernate for the entire month of December.
I just have been enjoying my observations a bit too much lately. Especially last night. Its interesting being an outsider glancing in on something I am so familiar with and yet, perhaps don't have the authority to feel as though I know well.
but screw authority.
in any case, these past weeks reminded me that opportunities have been falling into my lap. perhaps my issue is, the amount of those opportunities I have allowed to fall straight through my lap and accumulate in a pile on the floor.
every time I think of things that didn't even fall into my my lap at all, all I can think of is that if they are meant to, they will. and I'm not even a person who believes in that kind of thing.
maybe it will start with letting someone in.
but also, maybe that is the place it could end.

I FEEL GOOD.

my perception of time here is insane. Insanely incorrect. I feel like I've been here for years. I feel like all the stuff before was a figment of my imagination. I'm so....invested here. These people here my friends... I guess I was expecting that nothing would ever come close to the relationships I have at home. but its been eight weeks. Just eight weeks and I already feel grounded here, with them. Feet firmly planted in fallen yellow leaves.
I don't know if I can be more blatant than the title of this.
I like that I met someone that agrees with the way I do things. I like agreeing. I use to like disagreeing more. but that has changed.

There is only one thing that is stopping me from completely and thoroughly enjoying this...there is no use coding it. I need to act. I need to memorize lines and create human connections on stage. Finally one part of me is feels right. I have found a connection. now i just need one for the other me. I'm greedy now. I want. I want. I want to be someone else, not because I'm unhappy, by any means. because I want to feel that again....
Just re-read 'the shape of things'.... i forgot how much I loved that play...
AH. especially after the year I had. As awful as it is....I was very similar to Evelyn...minus being a graduate student and all. and minus just picking one person to do that to....

bowl of hallway soup.

this one time, I did something stupid.



you know whats great?
not doing stupid things.

exoskeleton.

I've had a short string of eye-opening conversations in the past couple of days.
the first was less about the conversation and more about the feeling I had while having it. just laughing again mostly that made me feel this way. [does anyone remember laughter? because I kinda didn't] Meeting someone that seems like they were in your life all along. The possibility of feeling again. Shocking right? I'm floored.
the second was the more eye-opening.
Despite my confidence I did not get what I wanted this week. I'm not destroyed. I'm actually okay. but really. If I were destroyed, I wouldn't be able to do this for the rest of my life.
My conversation made me realize how much I care about acting. I mean, I knew I did, but to this degree? My revelation came as I was recounting this to a friend. Remember the whole "dangerously human" thing? and how I said I wasn't? I realized that I feel more danerously human when I act than I do on a regular basis.
that thought is frightening, but true nonetheless.
Most likely the roots of this feeling came from the past year when I made the decision to feel nothing at all. Getting those feelings back is harder than I thought it would be.
this brings me back to conversation number one. and the series of conversation since...

human?
...human.

nineteeeeen

oh hey nineteen.
whats good?

out of my hands.

I just really want this.

okay?

guts.

[this has nothing to do with this post. I just miss Florence.]

there was something about the phrase "dangerously human" that caught my attention the other day in rehearsal.

definitions are concrete. and they allow room for vulnerability.
this is why I find myself straddling a thin line for feeling something and feeling nothing at all. all the time.
this does not make me dangerously human.
As I walked quickly beside someone who thinks almost entirely with his head I paused to wonder how I make decisions. I said,
"so. You think with your head"
"yes. And you think....you do too?"
"does it seem like I do?"
"not exactly....I feel like you make decisions with something even more logical."
"My gut."
"I guess that makes the most sense. its exactly somewhere between your head and your heart."
"I think people think less with their heart and more with a sort of lust. but maybe I'm completely wrong. Its just my gut feeling"