But actually screw that. What do I have to lose? I can be scared. I can fail.

the more my wrong

I'm so nervous for tonight. Don't want to make a fool of myself doing this Shakespeare.

These are the times I curse my high school drama teacher and myself for not learning how to do this.

how does it make me feel? stupid.

hate being that person that he clearly needs spend time away from.

what is happening.
I'm becoming that person in a relationship that I never wanted to be.


this is going to be bad when it ends.

lbs

I've lost seventeen pounds since the end of the summer.

for some reason it doesn't feel like a positive thing.

but the trees are pretty and I'm loved here.

the best imitation of myself.

Tomorrow I'm twenty.
Twenty years seems like such a large amount of time.

This weekend I opened my first show here, with [nearly] rave reviews. I feel good about here.
But this weekend also reminded me of the bulltshit going on at home. This weekend it became even more clear than it has been in years that my parents should not be together. Its shocking to me that I know this for a fact and yet they remain chained, and miserable. I'm twenty. I'm not suppose to know something is over before grown adults do.
Here I am, in the my first real, legitimate relationship having my parents tell me that he doesn't seem like "a great love of my life." WELL OBVIOUSLY. its college.

Were they ever like this?
is this just happens when you're an adult? You do things because you feel obligated to stay even if you're miserable?

it doesn't seem logical.

I feel young and wise.

But I also feel old and foolish.

A couple that I actually learned to believe in broke up. After three years. It is true when they say people grow apart and accepting that is the best thing you can ever do.

I've found myself oh so honest these days.

In my quest to not be needy I find myself needing him.

and for the first time in nearly 13 years the last thing I want to do is eat midnight pancakes.

but I'm happy? Happy birthday to me.

I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.

Since when am I so good at relationships?
Not only my own but everyone elses too.




The whole always one foot on the ground has become sometimes, maybe one toe on the ground.

The wind is beating against my apartment and I don't want to be alone in my bed. I like sharing it.

This will probably be the first relationship to ever hurt me. The first one that after its gone the bitterness will stay with me because I will always know how much I felt.

but for now, I can love right?

[I'm Eve again and confused by the water on my face]

As I watched a potentially good, but not very good scene in acting today and all I could think about the whole time was myself. and the show. and the stakes.
Then my classmate said,
"Can I be honest for a second?" [and I snapped back to focus.]"I feel like all I think about during the scene is what you guys think and I'm trying so hard to not break character but my mind is on your reactions." I found tears rolling down my face without a warning. I brushed them away quickly.

"Okay," my professor said, "Well how do we fix that?"

The answer was obvious. I raised my hand.
"You reconnect with your scene partner. You find what you need in them."

"Correct."

After I answered I wanted to run out of the room and sob into whatever arms I could find. I KNEW the answer. I just wasn't capable of fixing it myself.

Except I am.

The stakes ARE high. So I meet them.

I am capable. I can do this. I deserve to be here. I earned it.