how do you watch someone disappear from far way?

how do you watch someone disappear from far way? 
the person who has listened, has loved, has experienced a full life. 
slowly her body that use to do the splits on the front lawn of the same house she raised six children, the body that gave birth to those children and loved, and fed and took care of so many others withers away.
her mind that opened my mind to the beauty of simplicity, the amount people deserve to be loved and a fondness of artichokes begins to slip away, the memories of every moment floating around her head like a big cumulonimbus cloud waiting for her to reach, and draw them back in. 
She tries to reach higher, to cling longer but her body says no even though she can feel so much love. 

hold on. 
Just a little longer. 
please. 

I love being alone. 

however, 
there is nothing worse than sitting alone on a Thursday night while everyone else is off making art. 

the thing is my heart is broken.

I sat on my back deck after a confusing conversation looking out at the tree in my backyard. I tried to say what was true but they didn't get it. It just seemed dramatic to them.

It's like when Masha says, "I love- I love- I love" Why does she say it three times? because she doesn't know that she truly means it until the third one.

I gave it everything I had. I gave her everything I have. I gave it so much.

So much of myself. I use to not be able to give anything and now I give too much.

The silver lining is at least one person that truly deserves to be cast got it. And she sat through three shows that she could have easily done but didn't get the chance to. And that's worth it. That's worth everything.

The irony of it all is I'm a master at rejection. Just not this time. This time I cared too much.

You suddenly discover that you don't really know anything.

I'm sitting in my bed at home watching the trees outside sway in the breeze. 

I just finished reading my favorite part of Three Sisters out loud to myself and my whole body is shaking. I don't know why exactly I'm having such a reaction to this scene but maybe because it makes so much sense? I was talking through my monologue and suddenly realized there were tears in my eyes and my heart was beating fast. 

This is the kind of stuff that I want to work on. 

okay, thanks?

Writing is weird. 

When I have to do it I can't, when I need to do it I don't, and when I don't have to I do. 

Went to Palm Springs with my friends for a night. Wore my bathing suit. A drunken friend said, "You're body is just so much better now." 

This is a tricky compliment. True, all of my pent-up energy has been put into slimming down and toning up. But it also means there was a time when it wasn't. 

I am baffled by attraction and why people feel the things they do and what it really has to do with anything. 

Especially being such an observer this summer. 

near the place

I think its that I get so use to everything being the same that when it changes its a shock. 

Or maybe its because things have changed ever so gradually that its as if I'm looking in a mirror for the first time in a year. 

I have a constant need to have "everything fall into place." It has been a constant obsession of mine for years. 

That's not possible. Things can fall into place little by little, piece by piece but life would be oh so uninteresting if everything fell into place. 

There would be no chase. 

No drive. 

back in the 90266

Being back is odd. My body has a way of melting into my own bed when I get home. I feel so physically exhausted from this year, from the shows, from cleaning a whole apartment by myself, from being so far away from you. 

I'm glad to be home, to the sunshine and the cool breeze and my friends who fascinate me as their mouths move a million miles a minute. I lay curled up in a ball last night watching them say things, smiling to myself because it was like an old song I hadn't heard in quite sometime.

So much happened this year. 

I realized I capable of way more than I ever thought. 

I essentially lost a friend to her relationship and a filthy apartment. Or maybe we just grew apart. Either way, she doesn't give a shit.

I became the listener, not the talker. 

I realized how beautiful the sky was and how overwhelmingly full life has the potential of being. 

I am a lot smarter than I thought I was. 

I feel physically drawn to people and places that I need to go. 

I care more now than I ever have. 

I love harder than I thought I could. 

My voice sounds different. 

My body feels different.