that must be my kind of love.

We walked through the quad of the high school across the street from my house and sipped champagne straight from the bottle. 
We talked about camping and seeing stars and dying and being together for a long long time. 

Sometimes I wonder if we talk about our future together because we both know it probably won't happen. Sometimes I wonder when we talk about how I bring out the best robot in you and you bring out the best robot in me we're just saying that because it sucks we're in such different places in our lives. Sometimes when we talk about having kids together in ten years I wonder why I couldn't have met you later in my life. 
But it was good we have this time now. 
We needed each other. 
We didn't know we needed each other but we do. 

I think about where I was six months ago and it doesn't seem real. 

On January 1st, at 6am I sat on a plane, in the seat by the window, trying to think about putting myself through giving everything to another person again. I knew I would, it became my nature, I just knew it wouldn't be for a long time. 

The past four months have proven my theory. 
There are very, very different kinds of love. 

The Dragon Lady.

As I sat at intermission for a show I had seen so many times and still wished I could have been in, I watched my former professor and his wife interact. They stayed in their seats as the house lights went up and he whispered something in her ear. She slapped his arm playfully and threw her head back and laughed. Then she said something and he laughed and patted her hand. He noticed me looking and waved me over. 

"This, my darling Sarah, is the Dragon Lady. Dragon Lady, this is one of my favorite students of all time, the famous Sarah." 

I shook her hand. "You don't seem like the Dragon Lady to me!" 

"I'm not. But I could be if I wanted to." 

I smiled. 

Then my professor said, "Does that handsome boyfriend of yours know how lucky he is to have a cougar like you?" 

"I think so." 

Then the Dragon Lady said: "Remind him all the time. Because that my dear, is how you become the Dragon Lady." 
My professor laughed and kissed her hand. "It's true." 

See. That is what I want when I'm one hundred and fifty years old.

I can easily say this is the most alone I've ever felt in my whole life. 

Sometimes its a good thing. 

But right now it just feels awful. 

There isn't anyone I can be with that doesn't want something from me here. 


I just want to go home and be with people who love me.

I am now the girl who made a robot fall in love with her.

because I am really Wall-E in disguise.

Table 13

It's very likely I have already used this quote for some sort of entry. 

I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.  
-F. Scott Fitzgerald 

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. The different forms. The different kinds of love for different people. There is a certain kind of love that I have for my best friend that is different for my other best friend. And the same goes for the first time I was in love and the second and the third...

We went to a wedding. Not all of us but a few. I sat alone at the ceremony because my mother vacated her seat to take pictures. I watched two people promise each other a lot of things and I thought about my future. It was my first time being at a wedding feeling like an adult. Feeling as though some day people would all be watching me say true things to someone.  

That idea doesn't repulse me anymore.

I hope someday someone will want to stand up and say that to me in front of everyone. Without me asking. Without me convincing them or fishing for something. 
Now that I know what that kind of feels like, that's what I'll expect. 


The boy that was almost a man and I stood by the bar. I drank whiskey, he drank rum. 

"Do you love her?" I asked. 
"Yup." 

 

SO FAR.....

 
One: Got smashed in San Fran.
Two: Ate a lot of food. 
Three: Slept well. 
Four: Wrote a whole motherfucking play. 
Five:  Thought about a lot of things.
Six: Got a massage. 
Seven: Liked being missed. 
Eight: Talked to my favorite person on the planet about life. 
Nine: Played games with the best two year old. 
Ten: Got paid to act. 
Eleven: Spent a lot of much needed time alone. 


I don't really know why I would go back. Other than to finish my degree. And see the people I like there. 


[Well played with the penguins. You made me have a little lump in my throat. Do yourself a favor and find something new. Don't try to replace me. Let our time be what it was. Don't be a jerk and use my favorite thing on the planet to make me feel shitty. Just saying.]

here

I can breathe again. 
[even though the air isn't as clean] 

I walked into my room and there was a bouquet of daffodils. It was my moms way of saying [without having to actually say it] sorry the last three months have been terrible, they're over now. 

And the are. I get a week away from everything. 

I feel so calm.


finally.