somewhere theres gotta be gold.

lately I've been watching people at stop lights. I am completely convinced that some people are under the impression that other people can't see in their cars.
this one fella today, just straight up picking his nose. in his fancy mid-life crisis car. and to add another layer to this magic, popped that sucker in his mouth.
and then he looked at me, I waved and the light turned green.

I like making up back stories for them too.
there was this one lady, heavy, caked on makeup. she was yawning. I also decided that she was a stripper who by day worked at an office building. has a kid with some guy with a tattoo of a skull on his arm. he thought it was a good idea ten years ago. she has a rose on her hip. she was smart, she just didn't think she was. she was singing quietly along to the song playing on the radio.
i wanted to be her friend after that.

you're...how....

well. so. this is new.

this is water.

"These Eskimos might be much more than they seem"

this all, everything lately can be defined with a simple three letter word: odd.

graduated, I mean...really? I'm actually done with high school? the very little attachment I have for the school was obvious at the end of the ceremony. looking at the faces of my best friends or people that I shared even a look with at some point in four years...tears in their eyes. Couldn't relate. I'll miss them [some of them] but not the safety of Costa. not in the least bit.
As I sat there trying to pay attention to the cliches that the commencement speakers were going on and on about I allowed my mind to drift. I hadn't tried out to give the speech because I assumed that the kind of speech I would give would not be the cookie cutter speech mira costa insisted on.... what would mine sound like?
I have said on the occasion [okay, more than an occasion] that I have learned absolutely nothing from high school, academically speaking of course. This is inherently true. I was not one of the honors or AP students. I preferred to sit in the back of the class room and observe. The mannerisms and facial expressions of my peers became my classes. People watching became far more educational then any math class.
I could have done so much better grade wise in high school. but then I would not be this person. If I had rolled over and paid for standardized tests to get me into name brand schools I would not be this person.
So then, have I changed in four years? or do I remain to be the fifteen year old girl who thought she knew everything.
I can't tell you.
all i know is that I'm still the girl that makes awkward jokes and does this:

hope she'll be a fool.

how is it that after reading the great gatsby twenty-six time that i STILL watch for the longest day of the yeah and then...... I MISS IT.

how does that work out?

ya know, as i sit here in my fort, looking at the ugly yellow of my graduation robe the only thought racing through my head is the fact that I wish I had someone in my life to tell me when I had food stuck in my teeth.
end of story, case closed, send it to the printers.

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, an onion patch, an onion patch.

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, an onion patch, an onion patch.

the past three days have reminded me of certain things.


THEY NEVER HAPPEN.

five is for the floor.

last night was silly and a half.
everything sharpened into perspective. even though everything was out of focus.

I had a dream friday night that I had all of this homework to do and all of this stress and as I slept I allowed it to wash over me. I woke up squirming, miserable that I would have to do all of this work. that is when I realized: there was nothing left to do.

and i fell back to sleep...

two more days.

okay,
given up on the fanciful idea of accomplishing that. I certainly did not want you to be my Rushmore. Well, I didn't want you to be my Rushmore in the sense that when I got to the top, I had no intention of staying.

maybe that is the issue.
for the past six months I've experimented. Man-mentality. its been interesting. and in some ways the benefit has been more...instant. But mainly its been isolating.

I miss being romanced.
[have I ever really been?]
[how uncharacteristic of me]