wishin' and ________

We sat across her little kitchen table and I picked at my brunch. Initially it was my lack of appetite that startled her.
I mumbled an apology and continued to pick at my food.

"I just can't understand it," she said peering at me over her glasses.
"You can't understand what?"
"Where is all of your hope?"
"My hope?"
"Darlin', the reason why you're my favorite is because you have all of this hope. You believe in people, you're so trusting. But sitting here with you for twenty minutes, I can tell, that your hope is gone. Where did it go?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Find it."

So I began to look.

First I looked under the table and it wasn't there. Then I looked under my bed.... [i just realized what a great childrens book this would be]

I looked at my long lost friend as we pulled up to my house.
"The thing that I learned, honestly: When it's good, just let it be good," he said clearing his throat. "You're too worried about the expiration date. Just enjoy each other while you're together. Don't spend anytime without trust."

He's right.
and so is she.

shake it out.

I've had the sudden urge to sing again.

And today as the water beat down on my back and the water dripped down your face and your crescent moon smile broke open and became a huge half moon,
I couldn't help but laugh.
My brain ached with the familiar and new feeling of all the blood rushing to my head and quickly leave.
But you were looking at me and I was looking at you.

"How have you been doing with...that?" he asked trying to run his fingers through my hair.
"I've been too happy with you these past couple days to think about it."
"But, how are you."
"I'm not ready to leave."

no man is an island.

I don't know who said it, but someone said no man is an island.

I felt like I was on my own private island for about twenty-four hours.
With all the uncertainty and jealous and fear on my part it became so apparent how much he loves me.

I have spent a lot of time wanting it yet resisting it because I don't believe it to be true. I was not raised watching an affectionate relationship. so how could this be? because I always have some sort of frame of reference.
We just made it.

Still in spite of everything I have a fear in the back of my aching mind that I'm not coming back. That the doctor is going to tell me something bad.

i want to stay on the island.

home. [home.]

Being home made me realize a lot of things.

FIRST of all, my friends at home care about me more than a lot of people in the world. Which is why they don't realize that they make me more sad than most people can.
But the weird part is, I've changed... and they haven't seemed to notice.

NUMBER TWO, telling my father what I can plainly see was one of the most heartbreaking things ever. He looked at me with near-tears in his eyes searching for a response to my statement.
"You aren't happy."
[the longest pause in the history of pauses.]
"I'm a man. I stay with my family. I will not change my situation. This is just how things are."
I studied his face, his hands on the wheel waiting for a "but" but it never came.
Sometimes people just stay miserable out of "duty."

THIRD, I am in a great relationship. I spent the last month searching for a reason to not be in it because it scares the shit outta me but no more of that bullshit.
It will end when it ends and when it ends I will be okay. I have a feeling that won't be for awhile.

FINALLY, This time, for real, I am not in love with you anymore. I'm different. I have learned how to accept love and not dismiss it as silly or a waste of time. Even in the moments that he annoys me I still love him, which is something you never were capable of.
Thanks for making it so easy for me to realize.



oh and PS. I'm finally going to get this thing diagnosed and figured out. December 12th. Save the date.

starveling and starving.

I'm happy to be in it.

but I feel awful that she isn't.

I wish I could be the person that could be there for her in the way that she is always there for me. But I know I'm the last person she wants comfort from.
Bittersweet.

well this is part of it right?

like crazy.

"Are you happy?" He texted me from the chair next to me as he admired the girl he was going home with that night. Then he looked at me and smiled and I knew we would be friends for a long time.

"I can't tell anymore." I replied instinctively.

I'm drunk and I don't know what to make of things.

there are so many things that I want that I am simply not getting.

I watched a horribly depressing movie tonight, alone in my room, about college sweethearts who cling together even though they have clearly grown apart.

how do people stay together? does it become routine and monotonous? do we thrive off the chase and the beginning or is that just me?
these are the questions I constantly ask myself.

I am almost positive I will not find out the answers.

helena.

If I take anything away:
I learned more about Shakespeare today than I have my whole life. I got a glimpse of what next term could be and I want it.

But this is the first time I have ever walked away from an audition with truly no idea if I got it or not.

I never thought this would be something that I would want so bad.

I understand her. I just don't know if that's enough.