.....woooooo.....summer 2012

Yesterday was fun because we went on a hike but today is dreadfully boring. 

After such a hectic term sitting around doing nothing is not fun. 

I wish I was on Catalina. 

But I can't stop thinking fun things are going to HAPPEN.

I woke up feeling awesome and happy about everything and throughout the day I got more and more down in the dumps.  Maybe I get like this when things end. But its never been like this.

I'm moving out of my shitty apartment in over a week and I have no idea where I'm going to move all my stuff to, because I don't have a place.

 Every time I clean something it gets dirty again. 

And the worst part is I'm still upset over this job I didn't get months ago. Why am I still so upset about it? He says I'm upset because I would have been good at it and because I pictured myself there. I just want an adventure I just want to do something with myself this summer other than sit behind that cramped desk at the spa and answer phones. I want to do something fulfilling. Everyone around me planned ahead and now I'm stuck with one option and I can't help up sit on my computer looking at pictures of the people going to paradise instead of me. 

But this isn't the me I like. I shouldn't sit and pout about not getting that job, I'm not going to get thousands of jobs in my lifetime. I just need to get out of this filthy shit hole that shallows me up every time I come home.

things are looking up.

tomorrow would have been the day. 

oh I wish I was on Catalina Island.

But also, everything is really great here. 

I wish I could write more but I have too much to do. 

My sink is plugged and I don't know how it happened but schools almost out and we might get the house.

15 more days.

Crossing every possible finger and toe for this house......

I need to get outta here.

is this one of those times you say, "it is what it is" ?

My audition came and went. 

Everything was on my mind and as I walked into the ever-so familiar theatre I felt like a guest, how I should have felt Fall 2011. Then, it was just another audition. I didn't feel nervous at all and it reflected in the fact that I didn't get in. 

This time it felt like even my bones were shaking as I stood in the lobby with a bunch of people smiling at me.

I wish they weren't looking at me. Sometimes I feel like those looks are the ones waiting for me to fail. 

"You have no reason to be nervous." 

of COURSE I do. but you don't understand that because you got in. 

I couldn't think straight as I fumbled for my resume and it stuck to my fingers as I gave it to them. 

who was this person? I have never been like this in an audition ever. Auditioning is what I'm good at. 

I began my first piece fine and then all of the sudden it all slipped away. I was standing there, biggest audition so far, in my life, making shit up. I knew he knew. All this talk of me being bad at memorizing lines got in my head, stupid naive grin made my blood boil, and the unpleasant conversation I had too close before my audition was repeating in my head, and the fact I don't know where I'm living and the idea that if this doesn't work out I have to leave..... ALL OF IT. But how can I sit here and talk about all the things distracting me when all of that is suppose to melt away when I'm acting. That's why I love it. 

So I put that into my second piece. I felt like I was going to throw up still but the character is pregnant so it kinda worked. I did it and it was fine. Maybe even good at least? 

As I walked from the room I couldn't help but give the people in the room a look as though I was satisfied with what just happened in there. 

man, if they could only see how great I am at not bursting into tears right now I would get in for sure. 

I felt the tears somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach as I brushed off how I was really feeling to someone who completely understands everything and who I really didn't need to lie to. But I felt like I let her down too. 

My body ached and trembled as I reached the bottom of the stairs leading up to his house. I wished that everyone hadn't been SO SURE everything would be fine. 

My eyes poured what felt like too many tears, maybe left over tears from Spring 2012 when moments after they found out their good news I had only a moment to pull myself together to be proud of people that I deeply envied. 

By the time I got to her house all I needed was a stiff drink. 

That isn't how I wanted things to be. By any stretch of the imagination. 

So I guess, we'll see. 

I should start living before I die.

Lately its been hard for me to comprehend people being depressed. 

A few weeks ago I had a night where a hole of loneliness swallowed me whole but the next morning it spat me right back out. There is no sense in being sad. I mean really, if you think about it. 

I saw a play on Friday night at midnight that affected [effected?] [My number one struggle in life is being able to explain the difference between the words 'effect' and 'affect'. And once I realized THAT was my biggest struggle, I felt lucky.] But anyway, this play, I related to this woman and the things people were saying. Listening and observing people. its why I got into theatre.

She said in the play that she always had this mentality that you had to get through a bunch of hard stuff before you could start living. Its the same thing with people saying, "the real world." Because it always makes me wonder, well what is this? the fake world? 

But I had so many moments this weekend that I thought, "THIS IS MY LIFE AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT." 

So I should and I will. 

[I just want the people I love to be on the same bandwagon as me.]

my dreams are bigger than this town.

To love someone so hard it hurts. 

To care about one thing so much and doubt everything except for it. 

To enjoy odd moments, the in betweens. 

I need to do something now.