near the place

I think its that I get so use to everything being the same that when it changes its a shock. 

Or maybe its because things have changed ever so gradually that its as if I'm looking in a mirror for the first time in a year. 

I have a constant need to have "everything fall into place." It has been a constant obsession of mine for years. 

That's not possible. Things can fall into place little by little, piece by piece but life would be oh so uninteresting if everything fell into place. 

There would be no chase. 

No drive. 

back in the 90266

Being back is odd. My body has a way of melting into my own bed when I get home. I feel so physically exhausted from this year, from the shows, from cleaning a whole apartment by myself, from being so far away from you. 

I'm glad to be home, to the sunshine and the cool breeze and my friends who fascinate me as their mouths move a million miles a minute. I lay curled up in a ball last night watching them say things, smiling to myself because it was like an old song I hadn't heard in quite sometime.

So much happened this year. 

I realized I capable of way more than I ever thought. 

I essentially lost a friend to her relationship and a filthy apartment. Or maybe we just grew apart. Either way, she doesn't give a shit.

I became the listener, not the talker. 

I realized how beautiful the sky was and how overwhelmingly full life has the potential of being. 

I am a lot smarter than I thought I was. 

I feel physically drawn to people and places that I need to go. 

I care more now than I ever have. 

I love harder than I thought I could. 

My voice sounds different. 

My body feels different. 

.....woooooo.....summer 2012

Yesterday was fun because we went on a hike but today is dreadfully boring. 

After such a hectic term sitting around doing nothing is not fun. 

I wish I was on Catalina. 

But I can't stop thinking fun things are going to HAPPEN.

I woke up feeling awesome and happy about everything and throughout the day I got more and more down in the dumps.  Maybe I get like this when things end. But its never been like this.

I'm moving out of my shitty apartment in over a week and I have no idea where I'm going to move all my stuff to, because I don't have a place.

 Every time I clean something it gets dirty again. 

And the worst part is I'm still upset over this job I didn't get months ago. Why am I still so upset about it? He says I'm upset because I would have been good at it and because I pictured myself there. I just want an adventure I just want to do something with myself this summer other than sit behind that cramped desk at the spa and answer phones. I want to do something fulfilling. Everyone around me planned ahead and now I'm stuck with one option and I can't help up sit on my computer looking at pictures of the people going to paradise instead of me. 

But this isn't the me I like. I shouldn't sit and pout about not getting that job, I'm not going to get thousands of jobs in my lifetime. I just need to get out of this filthy shit hole that shallows me up every time I come home.

things are looking up.

tomorrow would have been the day. 

oh I wish I was on Catalina Island.

But also, everything is really great here. 

I wish I could write more but I have too much to do. 

My sink is plugged and I don't know how it happened but schools almost out and we might get the house.

15 more days.

Crossing every possible finger and toe for this house......

I need to get outta here.

is this one of those times you say, "it is what it is" ?

My audition came and went. 

Everything was on my mind and as I walked into the ever-so familiar theatre I felt like a guest, how I should have felt Fall 2011. Then, it was just another audition. I didn't feel nervous at all and it reflected in the fact that I didn't get in. 

This time it felt like even my bones were shaking as I stood in the lobby with a bunch of people smiling at me.

I wish they weren't looking at me. Sometimes I feel like those looks are the ones waiting for me to fail. 

"You have no reason to be nervous." 

of COURSE I do. but you don't understand that because you got in. 

I couldn't think straight as I fumbled for my resume and it stuck to my fingers as I gave it to them. 

who was this person? I have never been like this in an audition ever. Auditioning is what I'm good at. 

I began my first piece fine and then all of the sudden it all slipped away. I was standing there, biggest audition so far, in my life, making shit up. I knew he knew. All this talk of me being bad at memorizing lines got in my head, stupid naive grin made my blood boil, and the unpleasant conversation I had too close before my audition was repeating in my head, and the fact I don't know where I'm living and the idea that if this doesn't work out I have to leave..... ALL OF IT. But how can I sit here and talk about all the things distracting me when all of that is suppose to melt away when I'm acting. That's why I love it. 

So I put that into my second piece. I felt like I was going to throw up still but the character is pregnant so it kinda worked. I did it and it was fine. Maybe even good at least? 

As I walked from the room I couldn't help but give the people in the room a look as though I was satisfied with what just happened in there. 

man, if they could only see how great I am at not bursting into tears right now I would get in for sure. 

I felt the tears somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach as I brushed off how I was really feeling to someone who completely understands everything and who I really didn't need to lie to. But I felt like I let her down too. 

My body ached and trembled as I reached the bottom of the stairs leading up to his house. I wished that everyone hadn't been SO SURE everything would be fine. 

My eyes poured what felt like too many tears, maybe left over tears from Spring 2012 when moments after they found out their good news I had only a moment to pull myself together to be proud of people that I deeply envied. 

By the time I got to her house all I needed was a stiff drink. 

That isn't how I wanted things to be. By any stretch of the imagination. 

So I guess, we'll see.