honesty?

For the past three nights I've had the same nightmare.

I went for drinks with my brother last night and I felt safe and loved and understood. For awhile I thought we only became friends because of circumstance. But I realized even after all these months of not talking, he is a real, true friend that cares about me.

Even when I feel alone I do have people. Not a lot of people can say that. I'm lucky. I know it.

My roommate started to tear up last night. I told her how lonely and painful this week again and I could tell how much she cared.
Things will get better.

I don't really know who regularly follows this.
I tend to write in code or try to because I don't want to say anything too real, give away too much.

But fuck it.

A lot of people think seeing a therapist is a sign of weakness. That needing someone to talk to shows that you can't handle your thoughts alone.

Well. I am weak. and I can't handle my thoughts alone.
But its not a sign of weakness.

I'm finally taking matters into my own hands so I can figure out what the fuck I should do.

Seeing a therapist today. Hope it goes well.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

All that stuff happened and then he came over and confused me and then I told him I wanted to be with him and then he told me he wanted to be with me but didn't want to be with me and it was confusing and horrible and I feel hallow. 
I feel numb. 

I legitimately cannot be here to watch him move on. 
My heart can't handle it.

Penguin love.

When I was four years old, I walked into my grandparents house and clutched my brand new stuffed penguin I fondly called, Penny. 
My Pop-pop sat me down on his knee and quizzed me about the penguin, seeing how much I knew about them. 
I was four so I knew very little. 
"That is an Emperor Penguin, darling. Do you know where they live?" 
"They live in the cold?" 
"That's right!" he said "What else?" 
"Theeeey.......hide their eggs underneath their bodies?" 
"Right! But do you want to know my favorite part about them?" 
I nodded vigorously. 
"Penguin love is the deepest most true kind of love." 

My grandfather was a very loving man, but most of that started when he became a grandfather. He was not the most present father and struggled with alcoholism. 
He made up for lost time with his children's kids. 

From the time that he told me about this deep Penguin love until I was thirteen, I was under the impression that Penguins were the most magical animals who mated for life. It baffled me because that is not something even most humans are capable of. 
When I saw March of the Penguins my world was shattered. Not only because of how heart breaking it was, because it was in that dark movie theatre that I realized my grandfather was wrong: Penguins did not mate for life. 

I was crushed. I watched my parents fight and was having enough trouble believing in human love, but now the Penguin love was gone? 

They remained my favorite animal but I was in denial. 
I wanted to believe that maybe the movie got it wrong, maybe it depends on the penguin, like people. 

Then I fell in love for the first time. 
I didn't want to be in love with him because I knew he didn't feel the same way. I distinctly remember sitting in that dark car with him whispering, "Don't worry, you didn't hurt me. I wasn't in love with you anyway." 

I truly believed I didn't love him. 

And then, I fell in love for the second time. 
It was unexpected and strange but months into our relationship I knew it was true. It felt different than before so I still wrote off the first time. 

My heart broke when he walked out of my room and I kissed him at midnight knowing it was probably going to be our last.

When I went back on New Years day, the boy who "didn't" break my heart and I spent some time together. Looking at his face, the same face who so lovingly rejected me all those years ago made me realize something I am only now strong enough to admit: I was in love with him. But I'm not anymore. Of course I felt a love for him, probably a kind of love I'll only ever feel for him specifically, but it was such a weight lifted off of me as we walked through that used bookstore together to know, I use to be in love with him. 

Which brings me back to the Penguins. 

Today I realized my grandpa didn't lie to me. He never said, "Penguins mate for life" I only assumed that because I wanted to believe it and I was four. Or because I was thirteen and I desperately wanted to believe that true love existed.

It does. 
Penguins have it too. 

Penguins do fall in love. For one year they are completely devoted to their counter part. The male penguins protects the egg, while the female penguins risk their lives for their egg and their mate gathering food. 
They find each other again through a special noise that only they know. 
They cultivate their love through the egg. 
And then they leave each other. 

This no longer breaks my heart. 
It gives me hope. 

As we clung to one another he said to me, "If there is one thing I know for sure, you're going to fall in love again. You deserve to have love in your life more than anyone else I know. And the person who gets it is going to be very lucky. I was." 

There's a common misconception that people can only have one true great love in their life. 
That's bullshit. It's all about timing. 

I'll probably fall in love many more times before I find someone I want to spend even more time with.
I love falling in love. I use to think being in love was a sign of weakness. It isn't. And it doesn't scare me anymore.  
And I'll know in my gut when its right.


 

I should have stayed in last night. 

I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times:
I am unhappy here. 

I embarrassed myself last night for all the right reasons.

This place makes me feel like a crazy person. 

He made me feel like a crazy person. 

The one person I always trusted. 

first week.

In movement I hit someone in the face with a ball and I lost it. I felt horrible. We both knew it was an accident but somehow it triggered something awful inside of me. When we put our hoods on and walked around the space neutrally I cried underneath my hood. My professor kept calling me out saying, "You're slouching! Stand up straight! Walk with the floor!" I wanted to yell back, "I KNOW I AM MOTHERFUCKER, I'M CRYING UNDER HERE."

We were suppose to find someone in acting class we didn't know and stare at each other for a few minutes. No talking. Her and I ended up together because all the people I actually didn't know where taken. We sat down and stared. 
Her eyes were so full. So strong and supportive. As if at the same time, our eyes both began to fill with tears. I felt like we were talking to each other without saying anything. I tried with everything I could to hold it in but I couldn't. She looked at me with tears running down her face and smiled as if to say, "Just go for it love" And I crumbled. I grabbed her hand and started sobbing. I knew everyone could hear me but I didn't care. It was the most connected I felt to someone in a week. 

After class I apologized to my acting professor for being so emotional these first two days. She said, "At least you're not lying about how you're feeling. You recognize it and you're pushing through." She hugged me and then said, "I'm really excited to work with you. I've wanted to for awhile."


Last night I barely made it all the way into Creek because I stopped and talked to a smart and interesting girl who use to live in my room on S. Mountain. 
I had three drinks and a slice of pizza with her and we talked for three hours.

Halfway through our conversation she said we got along because we're water signs. 
She said she loved how direct I about the way I was feeling while still managing to figure out the emotions. 
She told me everything and I told her everything and it was exactly what I needed.

I miss him so much. I'm waiting for the day I can tell he doesn't miss me. 

But I can also tell this is going to be a really important year for me.

SO,

I figured it out. 

When I'm in Southern California I feel like the best version of myself. I feel smart and attractive and interesting and worth everyone's time. 

When I'm in Ashland I feel like a slug. I feel ugly and moody and stupid and not worth anyone's time. 


So.

Where does that leave me? 

I am going to bust my balls for this BFA, learn as much as I can and go back to the sun. 

Only six more months, then three in the sun/Europe, then back to the the cold for three and then to the sun for a month and then back for six and maybe more if I end up doing the internship. 

That's anywhere between fifteen and nineteen months. 

Can I do that?  

We'll see. 

I really miss home right about now. 
Feel like I can't talk about the thing I desperately need to talk about. 
Every one keeps telling me, give it time, it'll get better and I know it will, I just don't know if it will here. 
My mind is with the sun. and the sun isn't here for too long every day. 
I just want someone to make eye contact with me for more than ten seconds and shake me and say, FUCK, yeah. this does suck. 
The lump in my throat just grew larger and larger all day. 
Sometime in the past two years my defense crumbled. 
I realized how good it felt to love and I allowed myself to. 
I still want to feel that. 
I still want to feel supported and cared for. 

I want someone to take care of me. 

Now I'm a romantic. 
Something I use to perceive as weak. 

Now I'm a romantic.