I am now the girl who made a robot fall in love with her.

because I am really Wall-E in disguise.

Table 13

It's very likely I have already used this quote for some sort of entry. 

I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.  
-F. Scott Fitzgerald 

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. The different forms. The different kinds of love for different people. There is a certain kind of love that I have for my best friend that is different for my other best friend. And the same goes for the first time I was in love and the second and the third...

We went to a wedding. Not all of us but a few. I sat alone at the ceremony because my mother vacated her seat to take pictures. I watched two people promise each other a lot of things and I thought about my future. It was my first time being at a wedding feeling like an adult. Feeling as though some day people would all be watching me say true things to someone.  

That idea doesn't repulse me anymore.

I hope someday someone will want to stand up and say that to me in front of everyone. Without me asking. Without me convincing them or fishing for something. 
Now that I know what that kind of feels like, that's what I'll expect. 


The boy that was almost a man and I stood by the bar. I drank whiskey, he drank rum. 

"Do you love her?" I asked. 
"Yup." 

 

SO FAR.....

 
One: Got smashed in San Fran.
Two: Ate a lot of food. 
Three: Slept well. 
Four: Wrote a whole motherfucking play. 
Five:  Thought about a lot of things.
Six: Got a massage. 
Seven: Liked being missed. 
Eight: Talked to my favorite person on the planet about life. 
Nine: Played games with the best two year old. 
Ten: Got paid to act. 
Eleven: Spent a lot of much needed time alone. 


I don't really know why I would go back. Other than to finish my degree. And see the people I like there. 


[Well played with the penguins. You made me have a little lump in my throat. Do yourself a favor and find something new. Don't try to replace me. Let our time be what it was. Don't be a jerk and use my favorite thing on the planet to make me feel shitty. Just saying.]

here

I can breathe again. 
[even though the air isn't as clean] 

I walked into my room and there was a bouquet of daffodils. It was my moms way of saying [without having to actually say it] sorry the last three months have been terrible, they're over now. 

And the are. I get a week away from everything. 

I feel so calm.


finally. 

hand talk.

the whole non-verbal thing is becoming wonderful. 
last term we did this thing in movement where we had conversations with our feet but I like having conversations with our hands. 


[I got really drunk last night because I was trying to be fun but even that seems to backfire. aren't I allowed to have fun?] 


[You picked a flower for me and I put it in a little jar and tried not to smile too big.]

she was something.

Having a very challenging time coming to terms with the fact that most of what I'm proud of goes unrecognized. 

I didn't feel the surge of electricity running through my body like I felt last night with the other parts I had. I felt real things. I was proud of what I was showing for the first time. 
I got more feed back and praise for the one minute and thirty seconds I was on stage then for laying my guts out. Do I just have a really fucked up perception of my abilities? 

They all left and he pulled me on to his lap. For the first time in a long time I felt protected. I had, discretely, almost finished an entire of champagne alone. 

"What's going on?" 

I shook my head. 

"You can tell me." 

And so I did. And he listened. 

"I care about you a lot. I hope you know that."

"I just want to be something."

"You are. You're more than something."

fire.

today I accidentally said something sorta wise to a fun girl I love: 

"Initially you're attracted to someone because of what you have in common. But what keeps you around is your differences."

Couldn't be more true for me. Especially right now. 

I can't help but think five steps ahead with him because its easy to see that. because its so easy. I feel fully and happy and smiling all the time. [the game we play, the dance of sorts when you know you have to leave but don't want to... that is one of my favorite things.]

Oh shoot. 
Dangerous territory.