January: Spent the most of the beginning of 2009 with a certain awkward boy. I would change a couple things about that if I had the chance. Auditions for the spring show brought me to a new low. my confidence was shot. and i never hated dance more. I never hated her more. I spent most of that time being bitter, angry and eating take out. the best combination. Tried breaking up with him but he talked out of it.
February: Ended things in graceful style. "Yeah?" "Yeah." It will always be my favorite. Noticed someone for the first time on valentines day. apparently he noticed me too but didn't say anything for a long time. Rehearsals were in full swing. Everyone talked about dance rehearsal with this high and mighty tone that made my blood boil. I hated her even more.
March: the uneventful calm before the storm. I counted the days until France and perfected my British accent. got shot down like a fool and made a promise I knew I wouldn't keep. my guys got serious with their girlfriends which made me look forward to France even more. Bro time awaited us.
April: The night we wandered around that grave yard at midnight things started to change.I realized that I was okay. and that our relationship was stupid anyway. Bonding time with girls. A new development for me. Seeing the same art ten years later opened my eyes to another love of mine: Art History.I had learned more in two weeks than i had my whole high school career. We danced under the eiffel tower. after the two most rewarding, happy weeks of my life exploring Europe with the ten of them we returned to hell. We made the best of it and stayed disconnected. She bothered me less but I still didn't trust her. Seeing my best friends cry over dance steps they were getting, just not perfectly was more than I could handle. We pulled it off though. But I hardly felt what everyone else felt. Senior speeches was the longest night of my life. I thought i would be more sad than i was. But i was mainly just excited.
May: I hardly remember it. Tried to forget it.
June: Everything they were sad about I thought of in terms of "exactly a year from now this is me" which left me with mixed feelings. graduation was the best one of that. june was my seize the day month. I did things because I wanted to. for the first time in a long time. We pinky swore. But you didn't keep your side of it. I'll never understand why you don't have any confidence with that kind of thing. It was then that I got in my third triangle. the choice was obvious though. even if he wouldn't make eye contact with me the first time we met.
July: in any dumb romantic comedy insert the montage of two people who think they have it figured out. spent more time with him than I had with anyone before in such a short amount of time. it was easy. pancakes and strawberries. and bananas. and free coffee. and sunrises. and gates. and sweaters. and parking spots.
August: Pretending to watch things we never did. Looked forward to being a pod in front of people rather than our two person club. Wanted school to start and didn't for the same reason. This was the first sign of my old pattern. We were too much of a pair. but I didn't care because we drank cheap wine and halfway watched royal tenenbaums. But something started to seem off. began to hear subtle reminders to start thinking about college. I ignored them.
September: School was there. I finally had some classes to care about, minus econ of course. The college cloud loomed more and more over my head. but I pretended it wasn't there. You were infinitely more attached at my hip and it started to bug me. I looked forward to being president all summer and the freshman class let me down. Their lack of enthusiasm had the same effect on me. Callbacks. I fought for a role I didn't get called back for because I had a gut feeling. go gut! That was the first time I felt like I could pull this all off. seeing my name so far up on that cast list was unreal. Round one: I felt like I couldn't be myself with you anymore. But it was going to be okay. At this stage in the game being friends was a viable option. end.
October: As always I had to convince someone to be my homecoming date. It wouldn't feel like another dumb dance without that though. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I would open up the applications and fill parts out. Not completing anything. Rehearsals were not what I expected. Everything that I thought they loved about me in the call backs he took away from me. it really made me mad. I was aware that actors are puppets. But I always thought that they were puppets with perspective. It felt like a daycare center rather than a rehearsal. maddening. the sobering discussion made everything worse. Its time I learn to not back track.Part of me just wanted to be stupid. But you were a puppy. so I made the choice for momentary happiness. Note to self: never choose momentary happiness when you have no concept of long term happiness.
November: Limbo again. But I was turning eighteen. More meltdowns about Eve. I hated her. I felt like a bitch for round two. They both brought me flowers which was odd. Then I got the birthday message. I knew shouldn't mean that much but it did. It was obvious that that was someone who understood what I liked. Peace out. Again. But it was trickier this time. Tech week into hell week I set my sights on a certain instrument. maybe because I hadn't had to work for anything in a while. Opening night. It all clicked. Brilliantly. Nothing has ever felt that good. Well maybe somethings. Turkey brought around another round two. One I half expected and was half shocked. But it was different than I expected, and nearly exactly what I wanted. Fresh flowers in my room. Recognition. yellow legal pads.
December: A new best friend. And an old one resurfaced. The pentagon. I felt like a bad person but I secretly enjoyed it. I secretly did a lot of things. It was obvious. I'm not a good actress when I'm playing myself. College seems more real. I have fallen in love with a school that I know is dangerous to love. We'll see. Dealing with his hurt feelings. I wish he would understand that I really do get it. I beginning to realize my place on the totem pole. low. Somehow I didn't see it til now. Submitting my first application physically hurt. Because its the one I want. My backbone for the last four years is crumbling. I felt like a liar as I wrote about this tight-knit group in my supplements. It's hardly there. After everything thats happened this year this is the hardest. I miss them so much. But its completely one sided.
