2013 bucket lists.

"I feel like this next year is going to go by so fast and next January we'll almost be done with school and I haven't done nearly enough things I've wanted to do by now." She said as we drove around town. 

"How about this. On New Years Eve we make lists of things we want to do this year. Less like resolutions and more like a sort of year long bucket list without the dying part." I said as I looked at the ocean. 

"The we report back to each other at the end of the year and see how much we've done? And then write a screenplay about it? 

"EXACTLY."

to the girl who...

To the girl who got everything she wants,

Well, I made it. 
I made it through the term. Made it through the physical and emotional stress. Made it through my grandmas illness. Made it through not being Masha. Made it through living with an unexpected roommate. Made it through. 

I'm empathetic. Everything that people feel, if I'm close enough to them I feel too. Sometimes its as if I take that pain or emotional anguish away from them. 

This term has been scary because everyone I know in Ashland is turning into everyone I know in Manhattan Beach. They know I'll always be there so they feel like they can walk all over me and I'll still be there to wipe the foot prints off of my face in the morning and clean the kitchen. 
I have also become more comfortable with them. More willing to fail and cry and act crazy around them. 
These things are good and bad. 

Furthermore, I am now officially getting my BFA. However, one of the most important people in the world to me, the person I started this all with will not be by my side. And the truth of the matter is, the complete and honest truth is: I haven't really been happy yet. I haven't been happy that I got in because she didn't. 
My mom suggested I go and get a massage because I looked pale and tense like I was going to pass out so I did. At three o'clock on Friday, the day the list was suppose to go up I lay face down on a massage table, mind racing. As she worked the knots out of my neck and shoulders my mind became more blank. I drifted somewhere else. A place where there weren't lists. 
Then it was over and as I got dressed I saw that my phone was buzzing. Eight texts. One email. The first and only text I cared about reading was: "I'm going to vomit" 
I immediately assumed that meant I didn't get in, not her. Or, better yet, that she wanted to vomit from excitement. 
Then I saw it and I was shocked. My heart felt like it had stopped beating rather than the quick beat it had kept all week long. 

I have to find a way to be happy about it. In the long run, this is two years out of our lives. I remember when my biggest issue was me being upset I didn't get the lead in a horrible musical and now look. Four years later and I'm better off without it. 
I hope that's how it is for her. 

i want to go home and sleep and eat and sleep and sleep and eat and take long baths and sleep and sleep.