Wouldn't it be funny if that was true?

its all so...messy.
a reminder of why for the past four months I have attempted [without succeeding of course] to stay out of it.
You'd think after four years I would have learned by now.
but then again, this is not something that is taught.

heres the kicker: I like the mess. I miss the mess.

[I mainly just need a prom date. and perhaps someone who doesn't make a mess]
[Wouldn't it be funny if that was true?]

scared shitless. but SO excited.

a tribute to the babies:

I'm aching. but its odd. While I am overwhelmed with the inevitable end and the short months we have left together somehow I can't help but be so excited. for everyone. these people, my teachers for four years all get to stand on their own two feet next year. I do too.
I cried for the first time at the end of a show last night.
It wasn't what I expected it to be. none of it was. I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish I could have had that feeling. at least once. but I'll have it. at some point.
[note to self, be aware that your expectations are usually incorrect.] as I stood in the audience as everyone warmed up with that song and I looked at each person who had made such an impact on my education and more importantly my life the tears were uncontrollable.
I'm happy to begin next year without expectations.

I just wish you were all there...

can't even take MYSELF seriously.

crush. well, this is awkward and new.

blue french horn dash.

took an evening nap that went a bit too long. and now I'm wide awake. I realized how much I'm going to want this all back. Saturday is going to be here. soon.

this will happen at some point.

deeply unhip.

"you can try to take a picture, but its already gone."

that is the ringing in my ears.
its far less triumphant than I imagined, there is less fanfare. but it still feels worth it. somehow.
everyone and their brother is having relationship woes right now.
the line between the inner workings of the male and female mind is far thinner than most people could imagine.
__________________________
___________
____
_

√

checking things off the list feels so efficient.


okay with it √
last opening night with these ridiculously talented people √
battle wounds √
wanting something strange √
some laughs √
no tears √

please let the door repeatedly hit me on the way out.

I am a hypocrite. a big, fat, hypocrite.


I am so aware of it.

seventy days.
the most pathetic part is at this very moment, as I sit here and ungrateful stupid child and can't even appreciate where I'm going and even worse than that, I can't appreciate where I'm coming from.

h y p o c r i t e

pearl

its freaking me out that I can't do this character.
my one objection is to just be as crazy and dumb as possible.


if i can't do this.....
I'm ready to catch a break....
ready for some thing to happen.

autobiographical

Everything that I said I'd do

its deafening, the silence in the tunnel. that is, when the windows are up. this year has only consisted of reevaluating, reexamining, reeverything.
i always thought my eye lids were heavy. but it hasn't been this bad. ever.
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn

i lack motivation. [thats no secret] but its getting worse.

fifty-five days, school days.

getting use to the silence, you guys should too.

the truth of the matter is I'm too aware of what i do and don't want.





I don't want this.
thats for sure.

maybe the best decision would just be to buy a plane ticket to anywhere and only turn back once i could wrap my head around spending four more years suffocating [well perhaps]

can I do that?
i mean i know i CAN.
but can I?

its like hawaii, or that chair.

if this is legit,
and actually true,
and actually no bull,

then,
HELL YEAH.

ps. played a character today that was just me, maybe I'm not that different.