Men on leashes. part of part one.

its going to be a series of ten minute scenes. scenes between me and the various men in my life........
[every name except for mine will be changed.]

Bench next to a large flight of stairs, evening. The girl, has fallen ill. Boy comes to her aid. He has an overprotective, jealous girlfriend.

A: I’m thinking tea could help, its just a matter of getting you to stand up again.
S: Not…going to happen….
A: Come on. You should date him again.
S: …In sweatpants?
A: Yes in sweatpants. It shows humility. It shows you’re a real person. I’m in a sucessful relationship with Hannah, because of sweatpants.
Both: That’s a lie.
[they glance at each other and smile.]
S: he knows I’m a real person. We dated for four months. Maybe this is a stupid idea. And I have a fever. We don’t have to go.
A: Yes, yes we do. I want coffee. And if hes working and you’re with me he will give it to me for free.
S: ah ha, the truth comes out---
A: [interupting] AND I, well you know, want you to be happy and stuff. ALRIGHT. Time to stand up. I’m here.
[He helps her up with much resistance.]
A: You know, in all honesty being sick works for you. The husky voice, the phlemy laugh, its pretty attractive.
S: great.
[they begin to walk toward the stairs, his phone rings an embarrassing loud ring tone. Andrew freezes, looks at sarah and contiues to help her]
S: You can get that ya know, it may be important. It could be another friend that has free coffee already waiting for you.
A: I only like the free coffee I can use you for.
S: I bet you say that to all the girls.
[His phone persistantly rings again]
S: Just get it.
[while still holding on to sarah he takes out his phone that is in his pocket, once he sees that its his girlfriend he immediately drops sarah and races as far away as possible. Sarah stumbles and nearly falls, catching herself.]
A: Hey hannah, uh…no, yeah I’m just with Kevin, yeah and we uh are uh going to coffee bean. Oh hey we just walked in and Sarah is here! Woah, what are the odds!? HEY SARAH [sarah struggles in the background to remain standing] …..Yeah, I think Kevin and I are going to take these drinks to go, Sarah is meeting someone here…..okay, I will….hey Kevin, Hannah says hi…..oh he says whatup….okay, alright, I will, talk to you later. Okay, I love you, okay….okay….okay…..okay….alright…..okay, okay love you bye.
[Andrew runs back over to help sarah.]
S: I was unaware that my name was Kevin. I wish my parents had told me.
A: OH, the phone call? Oh that’s really no big deal she just… I dunno. She has trust issues. And knows that I wouldn’t hook up with Kevin.
[Silence]
A: I mean, really, if you think about it, it’s a compliment!
S: I don’t want to really think about it. It’s creepy. It’s stupid. She knows our relationship is platonic. She knows I don’t like you like that. Right?
A:….. well.
S: well what. Well….what?
A: I may or may not have told her about the time we almost dated.
S: ALMOST. ALMOST. Seriously? The world is full of almosts and maybes and you choose to tell your possessive, jealous girlfriend about this ALMOST?
[she sits from the weight of this information and puts her face in her hands]
S: this explains a lot.

Dear Today,

whats up? its your reluctant friend Sarah. Here's why I didn't like you:

one: HUGE GIGANTIC slap in the face. it hurt. more than I would have thought. more than I would ever want to admit but I guess I am admitting it now.

two: it was the 27th. it was suppose to be a good day.

three: the constant dangling of what could be in my face. not cool. its just a tease. because Today, you KNOW I won't act on it. and yet, you still continue to put me in situations where I have to think about it. ALL THE TIME.

fuck you,
love,
sarah

ps:
nineteen days til graduation.
one hundred and twenty days til move in day.

lets make a fort.

all i really want to do right now is snuggle.
endless snuggle-fest.

AH.
forts are more fun with companions

note to self:

I need to learn to take my own advice.
[i wrote my wish on the back.]

thingthingthingthangthingthing

a lot of things on my mind.

things. you know, it has just occurred to me that I always speak generally. things. and when i don't finish sentences. I say "ya know?" because I want someone to say: "Yes. I do know" but it doesn't happen.

things
-noun

1.a material object without life or consciousness; an inanimate object.

2.some entity, object, or creature that is not or cannot be specifically designated or precisely described.

3.anything that is or may become an object of thought: things of the spirit.

4.things, matters; affairs: Things are going well now.

5.a fact, circumstance, or state of affairs: It is a curious thing.

6.an action, deed, event, or performance: to do great things; His death was a horrible thing.

7.a particular, respect, or detail: perfect in all things.

the funniest part about things is that I don't feel anything. but at the same time i feel everything.

my sweet, best friend of a grandma fell today. smack on her face. her right eye is the size of a tennis ball. and I attempted to joke with her, make things okay. of course they weren't. I listen to her intently as she refers to my deceased grandpa as "her boyfriend" and i watch her talk about him. his hair. his laugh. I see something I gotta have. yet she reminds me, "it wasn't always like that. somedays you just can't do things." then we return home and the silence is deafening. I can't hang with that. I can't comprehend that. If its this loud now, I can't even begin to imagine it next year. They can't either I'm guessing.

at least I was reminded of it last night. at least something came from it. how selfish. if they only knew.

FINALLY.
FINALLY.

something has happened.
something that i have earned.

I feel like $44,000 right now.

here, allow me to help you.

why do I do this to myself.
it is astounding.

goddamn.

like a.... like a snake.

I sat facing a replica of myself last night.
it was the moment I realized I actually have changed. grown. anything.
Its funny that I can put myself back there, to that place, its one of my exoskeletons I've shed.
I'm beginning to look at people. I mean really look at people. study their faces. study the way they frown.

I just want something of my own again.

pillows and pillows and pillows

IN THE ZONE.

and its one of those times that i do believe it would be impossible to leave.
ah well....

....basically just need someone to make a really great pillow fort with....and perhaps stay there all day.

concept. go for it.

oh hot damn.
in need of SO many things right now.
this is bad.
this is TORTURE.
dramatic much?
but really.

sudden wave of inspiration.
odd.
perhaps this dry spell is helping my writing?
possibly.
but there are things that could help.

tell you something,

there are so many things i COULD do.

but I won't.

also, I'm sick of being the one who always starts it.

things are slowly going from "I would" to "I would like to hold your hand"

it only takes a moment

ya know how in old movies at the very end the orchestra swells and everything has managed to fall into place? I think I would appreciate a split second like that.
its time.