I'm a CLAM because I'm happy!

I love acting.

and me, I have no idea.

Yelled at a boy I love last night because his behavior will not change.
I don't yell.
Things don't make me mad.
Things only make me mad when they involve people that I love.


But its time for a truth of the matter:
The truth of the matter is I am person I want to be. I feel ten feet taller then I am because the truth of the matter is I am capable of so much more than I though I was.


I audition today.
and this time my name will be on the list.

it was just the back of your head----

and I felt as though I was going to vomit up my heart.
not to be dramatic, but feeling this is weird.


School starts tomorrow and as always the first day of school excitement I always feel, [even in seventh grade and high school when I hated school] is especially hitting me like a ton of bricks.
*side note since I've been all into recapping my relationships in my mind lately I read an old love letter given to me two years ago and could not stop laughing. Real love letters are difficult to come by. Though I have received a few I only count one as a love letter. And I doubt it was his intention to even make it a love letter.

More than anything all I can think about is my audition.
Talk about love letters.
The love letter I could write...

I wish I could dance so I could DANCE.

I am just....

....so sad.




maybe this is what heartbroken feels like.

I feel so far away.

once we move.

I can't say that I feel heartbroken.
I suppose heart-torn would be a more assessment.

I sat with my head against my wall staring at the corner of my ceiling thinking about how I was going to form words when he showed up.
It was nearly two-thirty in the morning when the knock on our front door interrupted my roommate mid-sentence. We looked at each other and I immediately knew what I had to say to him.

He sat down on the bed and looked at me with the all too familiar dazed expression on his face.
I instantly felt as though I was underwater, trying to come up for air long enough to say what I needed to say.
But I couldn't.
Inside my head I was making eye contact and breaking up with him in the same detached, empty way I have in the past.
This time I was fully aware that if I opened my mouth I would not be able to speak.

It all became abundantly apparent to me last night. We clearly weren't in the same place anymore. Maybe we never were but we were both too dazed to notice. Just in very different ways.

"It was clear to be one night when we were sitting on the floor that I cared much more about you than you would ever care about me"

I sat at the kitchen table and stared at the coffee in my hand feeling something between heart broken and torn.

But at least I felt something.

the very first to feel.

I've gone back to being bed ridden.
I think I just need school to start.


but maybe,
something IS wrong.

kitchen dancing and my part to lose.

theatre overload last night in the best way possible. I felt drunk from the beauty of August: Osage County at the festival and then driven and excited for auditions after the Dog Sees God reading.

i want to be in that show.
i need to be in a show again.
[its been TWO YEARS.]

I am too happy.

UP. [part II]

he told me that I looked beautiful in the dark.
whatever THAT means.

long after he had fallen asleep I stared at the ceiling and recounted the summers events in my head.

this is exactly where I have wanted to be all summer.

My roommate and I can't help catching the other ones eye and shouting "WE LIVE HERE" on a daily basis. It is unreal that I am living on my own and I'm about to start my sophomore year of college.

I feel so far away from the person that stared at the ceiling after the last comedy sportz match senior year and wondering where I would go from here.
In fact, I feel so far away from the girl that lay in her twin bed on the first night of college, staring at the glow in the dark stars left by the former owner of the room.

I closed my eyes and turned over.

I know exactly where I'm going from here.