list.

maybe I haven't been writing because I don't know how to say the things I need to say anymore.

perhaps a honest list?


one. I open my first show here in five days.
two. I have now beat my longest relationship, [THANK GOODNESS a particular gentleman doesn't hold that anymore.] It's been 8 months.It was also sad not waking up with you this morning. I hope I'm not losing myself.
three. I am genuinely friends with someone I've wanted to be friends with for a year. Friends. just friends.
four. The bump in my neck as been aching as if to say, "Hey, I'm still here."
five. The addition of mind numbing headaches has been a blast. Headaches that happen at night that make me feel as though my brain will explode when I sleep.
six. they dyed my hair for the show but thankfully not blond. Its weird to think they spent part of the budget exclusively on me.
seven. I am happy. but, confused?

My neighbor is loudly talking to either a friend or a conquest and I can hear every word he is saying through the thin wall. talk about Saturday morning entertainment.

I am a zombie these days. I am so happy but distracted by the fact my body doesn't feel the same way.

Tech today.

300.

I feel like the things I say, do and write are all the same.

and yet last night as I washed our dishes and finished the last sips of the wine that we drank out of beer steins in an oh so classy way I thought about how different I am.
I am capable of taking care of someone else whether they appreciate it or not. I am talented and I earn the things that I get. Waiting doesn't bother me as much anymore.
He fell asleep and I sat out in the living room staring out the window. No stars were visible. Only the black sky.

It has been three years since my first post.
I thought that I was already here when I was there.

but now I'm here.

the art of the in between?

I am stuck in an in between.

I no longer have any desire to go to house parties. They are superficial and make me feel like an old woman. A lame old woman. Not like Maude.
I literally feel as though I have to put on new skin before walking into those parties.

on the other side,

I am not old enough to go out to bars with people closer to the age that I want to hang out with.

Which leaves me in my bed on a Friday night after a long rehearsal, alone and perplexed as to why I seemed to skip the "house party" phase.

This is one of those times I don't want to be pretentious.
but end up being anyway.

I am so,
I am too deeply human nearly all the time.

lets just BE IN A FORT and STAY there.

I feel like my life consists of eating pasta and making excuses for my lymph node.
I woke up and it was the size of a babies foot and can't physically do anything the rest of the day because of it. I feel skinny. I'm still just only living on oatmeal, pasta and salmon so how can that be making me skinny?

what's up body?

aaaand we're back.

I don't get back together with people. This is the exception.

Could not be more sure of the decision and more happy about it.

I have grown up so much.
I'm GROWN.



happy birthday princess. I didn't get you a present but I feel like I'm enough.

at long last.

Yesterday was easily the craziest day here. I am still in disbelief that I got cast. I got the part I have wanted all summer and I get to be in the black box all term. I have a real director. I get to be directed and have character conferences and costume fittings and an AUDIENCE. a month from TODAY is our final dress.

things are beyond all measure of sensational.



*it just seems insane to me that despite all of this, all I wanted was for you to hug me and say congratulations and walk home with me after rehearsal and sleep next to me.