home. [home.]

Being home made me realize a lot of things.

FIRST of all, my friends at home care about me more than a lot of people in the world. Which is why they don't realize that they make me more sad than most people can.
But the weird part is, I've changed... and they haven't seemed to notice.

NUMBER TWO, telling my father what I can plainly see was one of the most heartbreaking things ever. He looked at me with near-tears in his eyes searching for a response to my statement.
"You aren't happy."
[the longest pause in the history of pauses.]
"I'm a man. I stay with my family. I will not change my situation. This is just how things are."
I studied his face, his hands on the wheel waiting for a "but" but it never came.
Sometimes people just stay miserable out of "duty."

THIRD, I am in a great relationship. I spent the last month searching for a reason to not be in it because it scares the shit outta me but no more of that bullshit.
It will end when it ends and when it ends I will be okay. I have a feeling that won't be for awhile.

FINALLY, This time, for real, I am not in love with you anymore. I'm different. I have learned how to accept love and not dismiss it as silly or a waste of time. Even in the moments that he annoys me I still love him, which is something you never were capable of.
Thanks for making it so easy for me to realize.



oh and PS. I'm finally going to get this thing diagnosed and figured out. December 12th. Save the date.

starveling and starving.

I'm happy to be in it.

but I feel awful that she isn't.

I wish I could be the person that could be there for her in the way that she is always there for me. But I know I'm the last person she wants comfort from.
Bittersweet.

well this is part of it right?

like crazy.

"Are you happy?" He texted me from the chair next to me as he admired the girl he was going home with that night. Then he looked at me and smiled and I knew we would be friends for a long time.

"I can't tell anymore." I replied instinctively.

I'm drunk and I don't know what to make of things.

there are so many things that I want that I am simply not getting.

I watched a horribly depressing movie tonight, alone in my room, about college sweethearts who cling together even though they have clearly grown apart.

how do people stay together? does it become routine and monotonous? do we thrive off the chase and the beginning or is that just me?
these are the questions I constantly ask myself.

I am almost positive I will not find out the answers.

helena.

If I take anything away:
I learned more about Shakespeare today than I have my whole life. I got a glimpse of what next term could be and I want it.

But this is the first time I have ever walked away from an audition with truly no idea if I got it or not.

I never thought this would be something that I would want so bad.

I understand her. I just don't know if that's enough.

But actually screw that. What do I have to lose? I can be scared. I can fail.

the more my wrong

I'm so nervous for tonight. Don't want to make a fool of myself doing this Shakespeare.

These are the times I curse my high school drama teacher and myself for not learning how to do this.

how does it make me feel? stupid.

hate being that person that he clearly needs spend time away from.

what is happening.
I'm becoming that person in a relationship that I never wanted to be.


this is going to be bad when it ends.

lbs

I've lost seventeen pounds since the end of the summer.

for some reason it doesn't feel like a positive thing.

but the trees are pretty and I'm loved here.

the best imitation of myself.

Tomorrow I'm twenty.
Twenty years seems like such a large amount of time.

This weekend I opened my first show here, with [nearly] rave reviews. I feel good about here.
But this weekend also reminded me of the bulltshit going on at home. This weekend it became even more clear than it has been in years that my parents should not be together. Its shocking to me that I know this for a fact and yet they remain chained, and miserable. I'm twenty. I'm not suppose to know something is over before grown adults do.
Here I am, in the my first real, legitimate relationship having my parents tell me that he doesn't seem like "a great love of my life." WELL OBVIOUSLY. its college.

Were they ever like this?
is this just happens when you're an adult? You do things because you feel obligated to stay even if you're miserable?

it doesn't seem logical.

I feel young and wise.

But I also feel old and foolish.

A couple that I actually learned to believe in broke up. After three years. It is true when they say people grow apart and accepting that is the best thing you can ever do.

I've found myself oh so honest these days.

In my quest to not be needy I find myself needing him.

and for the first time in nearly 13 years the last thing I want to do is eat midnight pancakes.

but I'm happy? Happy birthday to me.

I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.

Since when am I so good at relationships?
Not only my own but everyone elses too.




The whole always one foot on the ground has become sometimes, maybe one toe on the ground.

The wind is beating against my apartment and I don't want to be alone in my bed. I like sharing it.

This will probably be the first relationship to ever hurt me. The first one that after its gone the bitterness will stay with me because I will always know how much I felt.

but for now, I can love right?

[I'm Eve again and confused by the water on my face]

As I watched a potentially good, but not very good scene in acting today and all I could think about the whole time was myself. and the show. and the stakes.
Then my classmate said,
"Can I be honest for a second?" [and I snapped back to focus.]"I feel like all I think about during the scene is what you guys think and I'm trying so hard to not break character but my mind is on your reactions." I found tears rolling down my face without a warning. I brushed them away quickly.

"Okay," my professor said, "Well how do we fix that?"

The answer was obvious. I raised my hand.
"You reconnect with your scene partner. You find what you need in them."

"Correct."

After I answered I wanted to run out of the room and sob into whatever arms I could find. I KNEW the answer. I just wasn't capable of fixing it myself.

Except I am.

The stakes ARE high. So I meet them.

I am capable. I can do this. I deserve to be here. I earned it.