home. [home.]

Being home made me realize a lot of things.

FIRST of all, my friends at home care about me more than a lot of people in the world. Which is why they don't realize that they make me more sad than most people can.
But the weird part is, I've changed... and they haven't seemed to notice.

NUMBER TWO, telling my father what I can plainly see was one of the most heartbreaking things ever. He looked at me with near-tears in his eyes searching for a response to my statement.
"You aren't happy."
[the longest pause in the history of pauses.]
"I'm a man. I stay with my family. I will not change my situation. This is just how things are."
I studied his face, his hands on the wheel waiting for a "but" but it never came.
Sometimes people just stay miserable out of "duty."

THIRD, I am in a great relationship. I spent the last month searching for a reason to not be in it because it scares the shit outta me but no more of that bullshit.
It will end when it ends and when it ends I will be okay. I have a feeling that won't be for awhile.

FINALLY, This time, for real, I am not in love with you anymore. I'm different. I have learned how to accept love and not dismiss it as silly or a waste of time. Even in the moments that he annoys me I still love him, which is something you never were capable of.
Thanks for making it so easy for me to realize.



oh and PS. I'm finally going to get this thing diagnosed and figured out. December 12th. Save the date.