lets not count sheep. lets count something else.

"So let me get this straight.... You count memories instead of sheep?"
"That's right. What else can you do when you're old."

I looked at the sunken eyes of my best friend as I helped her out of the hospital bed. Wires and tubes were sticking out her and she looked older than I had ever seen her.

"Bust me out of this place, will ya kid?"

I couldn't of course, not without discharge papers and her medicine, but I wanted nothing more but to steal that wheelchair and run her down the hall, past the nurses station and safely to the elevator. I wanted to be able to make her laugh again because she seemed so weak and so sad.

I use to think growing old was an odd thing. But now I'm convinced its just the being old part. Its like, you have all of this wisdom and all of this knowledge but you can't really do anything because your body won't let you.
I've been trying not to think about all the things shes not going to see. I just try to focus on all the things she has seen.

the sky looks like Ethan Frome.

We walked to Safeway in the rain. The more that came flying out of my mouth the faster we walked. I realized how close we were. Especially because I can say anything to her and I know she won't think its dumb. Especially when she said I was one of her best friends.

This weekend. It happened three times. People who I feel so close to called me their best friends and I wanted to turn to them and squeeze them and say, "YOU MEAN IT?! YOU REALLY MEAN IT?!!!" [well I suppose I did that to one of them]

Then later I sat on a couch with a platonic boy friend who I care about more than words can describe and I looked around at the scene and audibly sighed:
"What is it love?"
"Its just that I was just thinking about my two lives"
"What do you mean?"
"The person I am when I'm here and the person I am when I'm there."
"I can only assume that they are both wonderful people."

bullshitty shit.

I'm going crazy even though I'm almost done with all the bullshit. I have a meeting with my advisor/director/professor tomorrow. He said he needed to discuss things with me and I know what. My grades are JUST BARELY keeping me in. I wish I cared more about the classes that aren't for the major but I don't. I feel like I've heard it all before and that the assignments are just busy-work bullshit I've already done.
I feels like a waste of time.
But what I'm getting here isn't a waste of time.
I'm becoming the person I want to be. I'm realizing things about myself now that I didn't even imagine I would think about for years.

I'm just stressed about the conversation that hasn't happened yet.

TIMES LIKE THIS:

Things are crazy.
I'm the leading lady in a musical.
I didn't think that was ever going to be a thing.
but,
WHAT?????

The past few years I've been saying, "This year is going to be my year" without really believing it.
But this year I believed it and I wanted it bad enough.

I BARELY believe it yet.

Nice knowing you, nice meeting you.

I always have such a calm, 'whatever' attitude going into it. 'Well if I don't get into this one, there's always next year.'
See but then, they make you fall in love with a fictional human being just a little bit. and now I have to fall back in love with another fictional person and pretend that the ball of intestines in my body doesn't exist.
It is torture that they wait to put it up.




In all honesty though, it will not be the end of the world if I don't get it. I wasn't expecting this to begin with. I never thought I would have the opportunity to be a leading lady in a musical ever again so perhaps its just that idea that is making my heart find its way somewhere in my throat.

The heart in the throat thing? that is also because someone who is just as talented as me keeps getting over looked and its infuriating.I don't know what to say anymore because it makes me so mad.
so.
four days.
okay.