a series of events....

The greatest feeling is slipping between newly clean sheets and staying there for hours. 

I can feel my body, my shoulders, my neck, my jaw tensing under the pressure of everything. 

This show has reminded me why I want to be an actor. and how I want to be an actor and not a singer. and how thankful I am I decided to study just acting and not follow through with musical theatre like I wanted to when I was 17. 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about 17 year old me. Who I was, and who I wanted to be. I am now sure that I completely and totally underestimated myself when I was 17. 

The girl under the lamppost who looked up at the sky and thought she saw everything but really didn't see anything at all.

do the twist.

I want to get all dressed up, put on red lipstick, have someone buy me drinks and do the twist. But despite years of believing I was born in the wrong era [as every believes at least once in their life] I have come to realize that I was born at the exact right time. Because I can still get dressed up and put on red lipstick and do the twist.

I've been feeling this mounting excitement for the future. I am still living in the present but in the back of my mind, picturing who I will be in five years gives me a thrill few things can.

[I really just want to be twenty-one already.]

the mouth of a hollow tree.

People are making dresses, custom made dresses for me and I feel guilty about my success as I look at the long face[s] of people I'm close to.

I need to focus on what I came here to do and not be concerned with affection and have everything be exactly as I want it to be.

The problem is, I am capable of becoming that person again. The kind of person that desperately wants tomato soup when she's sick but doesn't ask for help because she doesn't want to be a bother and doesn't want to be taken care of.

If I were to be truthful, I would say I feel like a fool chasing a fool.

Because I feel my feet moving backwards, stepping into that place, that hollow tree trunk that I use to always be.

wouldn't that be funny if it were true?

my bones have become so cold, and my skin so white that it seems like years ago that I would lay on the concrete during lunch hour tanning my legs. [I suppose because it was years ago]
The weather is making my future plans for me.

I am far too influenced by the color of the sky to have any regard for other perks of living anywhere else.

I can't begin to censor myself again. I'm not that person any more. I've made damn well sure not to be that person.

I can't remember the last time I cried out of happiness. Except this morning.
"you'll always be a little sliver...."
the little things.
the littlest things.

heres to making plans.

My body aches in the way that it knows its being productive.
Already this week has been going on forever. I feel more full of ideas and drive then I ever have before.
especially because I have this goal, a legitimate goal and it feels like it may actually happen.

I've been proud of myself lately.
[But proud? how could I be proud I haven't done anything yet]
Yes, proud.
For reasons I can't even actually pin point.
Going home, seeing what is there, made me like who I am. Here or there.
I've never been self-loathing. [well I suppose maybe in 8th or 9th grade we all go through a self-loathing phase]But right now, for some strange reason I like who I am the most.
I think perhaps its that I am hyper-aware of nearly every aspect of my life. Which could be dangerous? For now, its helpful.
I care more. About everything.
Its almost intimidating how much I care about the things I care about.

Also, I've been sleeping obscenely well.
I think sleep makes you a better person.