SO FAR.....

 
One: Got smashed in San Fran.
Two: Ate a lot of food. 
Three: Slept well. 
Four: Wrote a whole motherfucking play. 
Five:  Thought about a lot of things.
Six: Got a massage. 
Seven: Liked being missed. 
Eight: Talked to my favorite person on the planet about life. 
Nine: Played games with the best two year old. 
Ten: Got paid to act. 
Eleven: Spent a lot of much needed time alone. 


I don't really know why I would go back. Other than to finish my degree. And see the people I like there. 


[Well played with the penguins. You made me have a little lump in my throat. Do yourself a favor and find something new. Don't try to replace me. Let our time be what it was. Don't be a jerk and use my favorite thing on the planet to make me feel shitty. Just saying.]

here

I can breathe again. 
[even though the air isn't as clean] 

I walked into my room and there was a bouquet of daffodils. It was my moms way of saying [without having to actually say it] sorry the last three months have been terrible, they're over now. 

And the are. I get a week away from everything. 

I feel so calm.


finally. 

hand talk.

the whole non-verbal thing is becoming wonderful. 
last term we did this thing in movement where we had conversations with our feet but I like having conversations with our hands. 


[I got really drunk last night because I was trying to be fun but even that seems to backfire. aren't I allowed to have fun?] 


[You picked a flower for me and I put it in a little jar and tried not to smile too big.]

she was something.

Having a very challenging time coming to terms with the fact that most of what I'm proud of goes unrecognized. 

I didn't feel the surge of electricity running through my body like I felt last night with the other parts I had. I felt real things. I was proud of what I was showing for the first time. 
I got more feed back and praise for the one minute and thirty seconds I was on stage then for laying my guts out. Do I just have a really fucked up perception of my abilities? 

They all left and he pulled me on to his lap. For the first time in a long time I felt protected. I had, discretely, almost finished an entire of champagne alone. 

"What's going on?" 

I shook my head. 

"You can tell me." 

And so I did. And he listened. 

"I care about you a lot. I hope you know that."

"I just want to be something."

"You are. You're more than something."

fire.

today I accidentally said something sorta wise to a fun girl I love: 

"Initially you're attracted to someone because of what you have in common. But what keeps you around is your differences."

Couldn't be more true for me. Especially right now. 

I can't help but think five steps ahead with him because its easy to see that. because its so easy. I feel fully and happy and smiling all the time. [the game we play, the dance of sorts when you know you have to leave but don't want to... that is one of my favorite things.]

Oh shoot. 
Dangerous territory.  

It's just too easy.

Too honest. 

Too straight forward. 


Waiting for it to not be real. 

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. 




Waiting.  


EH, fuck waiting. 

lets just enjoy this. 

Things to look forward to:

one. NOT BEING HOMELESS NEXT TERM. WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

two. Being Edna. Showing them I can do something that's not funny and fucking mean the hell out of it. [because I WILL mean the HELL out of it.]

three. Finals week: AKA making great dinners, drinking lots of wine and sleeping in late.

four. LA. warm. salt water. mommom. pancakes. parents. wedding!

five. talking to my best friend face to face and feeling that comfort again.

six. ONE PERSON SHOW. [what one EARTH can I say in a way no one else has before?]

seven. Camping. because we're going to go CAMPING! [aaaand make a campfire and dance in the woods and look at all the stars, and tell stories and sleep in a TENT!] 

i once knew a man, who told a tale as tall, as the mountains that he came from.

I've been collecting all the pieces and trying to fit them back together in secret. I need to stop but I feel like I owe it. 

I don't. 

But something tells me that this one is going to be different. 
I never imagined that I would want this now, but now that its here I do. 



[I'm secretly really freaking out about losing my house but I don't want to bug her about it because then everyone will be passive aggressive towards me again.] 

I want to pack up my car and pitch a tent with you, just the two of us. I want to lay in silence and look at the sky.

Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold

things that happened this week:

one. had the happiest morning I've had in a long time. Smiling like a fool, skipping home with Sam.
two. honesty, honesty that always seems to backfire even though its asked for.
three. found out I won't have a roommate soon.... but I love my house with my whole heart and don't want it to go away. 
four. drank a beer in a dorm room. [never thought I would do THAT again] 
five. actually succeeded in movement. 
six. tried to be supportive in way that wouldn't hurt him more. 
seven. watched him cuddle with another girl four seats away and wondered why I'm not allowed to be happy. 
eight. decided to be happy anyway. 
nine. got into One Person Show. now what the fuck am I going to write my show about. 
ten. got all dressed up and ready with an interesting girl very much like being around surprisingly. 
eleven. Zelda and Scott. 
twelve. saw a play I have a lot of very strong opinions about.
thirteen. drunk.
fourteen. "you're my girl, right?"