Some sort of boyfriend soundtrack.

I've been listening to my ipod on shuffle. I am challenging myself to listen to every song.  It has made me realize I associate songs with people. So here is the soundtrack of boyfriend's past and one bonus track for my current relationship.

Track One: Blister In The Sun- Violent Femmes
 
Track Two: Cold Day In The Sun- Foo Fighters 

Track Three: That's The Way- Led Zeppelin

Track Four: If You're Wondering- Weezer  

Track Five: Every Man Has A Molly- Say Anything

Track Six: Beyond The Sea- Bobby Darin

Track Seven: The Sound of Settling- Death Cab For Cutie  

Track Eight: Sunshine- Matt Costa  

Track Nine: Oregon Girl- Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin 

Track Ten: White Blank Page- Mumford & Sons  

*BONUS TRACK* Track Eleven: A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard- Jeremy Messersmith

Silence is the perfectest herald of joy

This is usually true for me. 

At 10:15pm just before we touched down in Los Angeles, I looked out the window of the airplane and listened to a song. I felt the lump in the throat rise and all I could think was how inappropriate it would be to start crying on this airplane. 

Especially because I had absolutely no reason to cry. 
I was happy. 
I finished the most personally challenging year of my life, I was about to be home and see my friends, I was in love again... 
and that is when it happened. 

It was one of those strangled pathetic sobs that you try to hold in as long as you can but at some point it just comes out. 
I covered my mouth, looked over at the older woman a seat away and smiled apologetically. She looked back and smiled. I turned my attention back to the lights outside and it happened again. Then the tears fell and I couldn't stop them. I was mortified. 
The older woman put her hand on mine. 

"Are you alright?" 
"Yes. Yeah. I'm okay. This is so embarrassing, I'm sorry." 
"Don't apologize to me. What is the matter? If you don't mind me asking." 
"I don't. It was a tough year. When I say that it sounds stupid it. It sounds like something horrible happened to me. No one died, I didn't get hurt or diagnosed with some disease, it was just hard. I was tested. I've known who I am for so long and this is the first year I questioned all of that." 

I stopped. I couldn't believe I had just told a stranger all that. Usually its strangers that tell me whats wrong in their life, not the other way around. 

"Sorry. That was a lot of unloading on you." 
"I don't mind. I'm sure you would listen to me if I had something to say." 

She squeezed my hand. 

"Its okay to question everything, to not have a handle on things. Trust me. You have time, but don't wait around for everything to happen." 
"I don't plan on it. Thank you for listening." 

that must be my kind of love.

We walked through the quad of the high school across the street from my house and sipped champagne straight from the bottle. 
We talked about camping and seeing stars and dying and being together for a long long time. 

Sometimes I wonder if we talk about our future together because we both know it probably won't happen. Sometimes I wonder when we talk about how I bring out the best robot in you and you bring out the best robot in me we're just saying that because it sucks we're in such different places in our lives. Sometimes when we talk about having kids together in ten years I wonder why I couldn't have met you later in my life. 
But it was good we have this time now. 
We needed each other. 
We didn't know we needed each other but we do. 

I think about where I was six months ago and it doesn't seem real. 

On January 1st, at 6am I sat on a plane, in the seat by the window, trying to think about putting myself through giving everything to another person again. I knew I would, it became my nature, I just knew it wouldn't be for a long time. 

The past four months have proven my theory. 
There are very, very different kinds of love. 

The Dragon Lady.

As I sat at intermission for a show I had seen so many times and still wished I could have been in, I watched my former professor and his wife interact. They stayed in their seats as the house lights went up and he whispered something in her ear. She slapped his arm playfully and threw her head back and laughed. Then she said something and he laughed and patted her hand. He noticed me looking and waved me over. 

"This, my darling Sarah, is the Dragon Lady. Dragon Lady, this is one of my favorite students of all time, the famous Sarah." 

I shook her hand. "You don't seem like the Dragon Lady to me!" 

"I'm not. But I could be if I wanted to." 

I smiled. 

Then my professor said, "Does that handsome boyfriend of yours know how lucky he is to have a cougar like you?" 

"I think so." 

Then the Dragon Lady said: "Remind him all the time. Because that my dear, is how you become the Dragon Lady." 
My professor laughed and kissed her hand. "It's true." 

See. That is what I want when I'm one hundred and fifty years old.

I can easily say this is the most alone I've ever felt in my whole life. 

Sometimes its a good thing. 

But right now it just feels awful. 

There isn't anyone I can be with that doesn't want something from me here. 


I just want to go home and be with people who love me.

I am now the girl who made a robot fall in love with her.

because I am really Wall-E in disguise.

Table 13

It's very likely I have already used this quote for some sort of entry. 

I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.  
-F. Scott Fitzgerald 

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. The different forms. The different kinds of love for different people. There is a certain kind of love that I have for my best friend that is different for my other best friend. And the same goes for the first time I was in love and the second and the third...

We went to a wedding. Not all of us but a few. I sat alone at the ceremony because my mother vacated her seat to take pictures. I watched two people promise each other a lot of things and I thought about my future. It was my first time being at a wedding feeling like an adult. Feeling as though some day people would all be watching me say true things to someone.  

That idea doesn't repulse me anymore.

I hope someday someone will want to stand up and say that to me in front of everyone. Without me asking. Without me convincing them or fishing for something. 
Now that I know what that kind of feels like, that's what I'll expect. 


The boy that was almost a man and I stood by the bar. I drank whiskey, he drank rum. 

"Do you love her?" I asked. 
"Yup."