PRO

the pro con list is getting bigger.
*all pro con lists are getting bigger.

I like it here,
I just wish I wasn't distracted by the rejection that is waiting for me at home.

it was a reach, I know.
but somehow I thought this was going to be the shock of the year, the good news I've wanted all year, the recognition.
I have no right to complain.
I should have tried harder.
I could have tried harder.

ah well.
okay,
time to be positive, just the pros:

-small department
-one on one training
-alan arkin
-$10,000
-food [ie: THE BEST SANDWICH EVER]
-bolo ties
-art/creative writing program
-snow
-sound stage
-completely, and utterly by myself

you have a good day.

there are few things i like more than a plane ride.

this could be next year.
seat by the window, please.

eat.

if only I realized my patterns.
I obviously don't.

business class is made for sketching

today,
I admire my dad.
as we watched coverage on the newly passed health care bill [yesss] he was drawing. I got up to go up stairs to begin my paper and looked over his shoulder to see what he was drawing.
"figure studies Sarah, figure studies."
"meaning...."
"well, come on, just because I have a job doing exactly what I want to be doing does not mean I get to slack off and stop practicing."

this has been brought to you by father-daughter bonding.

would you believe.....anything?

so I have figured it out:
it won't happen because i can't be that guy again, again, again.
and thats that.
"missed it by that much"

we'll always have cabbage.

it finally wasn't the center piece. we did the thing we always said we would do. and thats why I'm glad we did. it got me thinking, which is what I needed.

the evolution of romance.
hearing her talk about the days with curlers and foyer's as if it was five minutes ago intrigued me. romance was more of an obligation back then but at the same time the formalities of it all made it harder to get to, and who doesn't like hard to get things?

"they met because he came to the all girls house she was living in to pick up another girl. he had flowers and was waiting in the foyer. annie came downstairs in curlers in her hair and told him that her roommate wasn't there; that she was on a trip [she was a stewardess] and forgot to call. then he asked annie if she was interested and she said, 'I'm a mess!' and he said, 'I can wait.' they married six months later."

its all very, "well-only-if-you're-completely-sure" and full of ultimatums now. I hate that. it leads you to wonder what the bullshit is and whats not.
that has been my Rushmore lately. separating the thing I love, and the thing I can't handle allowing myself to buy into.

I always hated the Jay Gatsby.... I would always pick Nick Carraway.
Although...I say that now and still allowed a great deal of Nick Carraway's slip through.

but I'll always love cabbage, because its such a spectacular center piece, not for the taste.

dear atticus finch,

and by atticus finch,
I mean gregory peck,

lets hang out,
go on holiday,
talk concepts.
you can teach me how to get things right the first time.

everything is going wrong, but we're so happy.

oh the irony to find that somehow my existence now revolves around triangles. thats right, triangles.

I do believe I said this tonight [I have no idea where it came from] "Say what you mean. Even if it doesn't come out how you mean it, at least you said it."
what the....

triangles.
just
triangles.
stupid fucking triangles.
shall I say it again?
T R I A N G L E S


the concept of being deceitful with yourself is...shit.

You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.

the lines are less fuzzy. it still gets me how fast things change.

"you two must pursue this as your carreer."
"great comedic timing"
"girl:lovely voice, beautiful"
"great natural instincts"

my role in all of this is obvious, I think.
miss being a member of an exclusive two person club. I never thought I would again.

it was certainly a emotional party kind of day.

its like that point when all the farm animals get together. such a farm animal day. I would so be a spider in this situation. I am the spider.

we ruled today.
we were unified again, except maybe for the first time.

I like this all again.
things do change fast.

ten thousand dollars?.....for me?

i don't even know how many days now.
after a day like this, there's no point in counting.

envy.

made fire, again: it was about time.

it has become a vacation spot I crave to return.
it doesn't even matter anymore that no one else wants to go.
it is still my favorite.

I'm still here.
I'm still there.
its harder to be her, but I like myself infinitely more when I am.

*insert bullshit here*

one hundred and seven days.....

I'm enjoying the nightmares the dark chocolate has been giving me. what a good reason to have more, to have at least one constant these days.

[and I'm not even picky what's inside anymore.]

I liked that acting thing we did tonight. It reminded me how to feel something I thought I forgot how to feel.
i love real school.

first thin line last

regardless of agreeing or disagreeing I would turn to page seventy-two. a lot of things were on opposite sides of the spectrum today. the afternoon was by far the best. and realizing how alright I was was the best of all.
I see how I'm different around certain people. I am fully aware. and for that, I am sorry.
but the rest of today,
not sorry in the least bit.

TOMORROW.
yes.

[dude. pound it. proud of you jelly bean?]

hi, my name is:

replaceable.
replaceable.
replaceable.
replaceable .
replaceable. replaceable.
replaceable.
replaceable.
replaceable.
replaceable.

and the faker is......

today I proved to myself that I can be an actress.trust me. this is not referring to what it seems to be referring to. if it was, why on earth would i want you know know?

faker.

David: We've been clutching so desperately to the past, and for what?
Ruth: Because that's where there was hope.

note to self: the next time something is standing two inches away from you, don't ignore it. and realize, WHO CARES AS LONG AS IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

hook, line and the root of the root.

I depend on this too much. probably because of how little i really say these days.
I just remembered that thing I said this time last year when I played myself in a few years from now.

"i know the moment of taking someone else's words of thinking them --because we can. We can subvert ideas and reconstruct history. and express ourselves through our intellect and our hands all over each other. We can say what we mean, and what we don't mean, and what we might do, and would never do."

If I was living in the long term right now this would all be a little less fuzzy. a little more defined. but of course, whatup short term?
the trouble of it all is, the moment I finally think I get it is the moment I am not allowed to understand it anymore.

against my better judgment, I am rooting for you.
which is probably valid because its all too obvious that my judgment has officially been shot to hell. officially. as if it had to be official at all.
114 days.

on a scale of one to ten,

this sucks.