not young enough to know everything

absence makes the heart grow fonder.
okay fine.

but this disappearing act that has been happening?

golden boy on marriage.

I've found myself at too many funerals lately which has made me a little too aware of myself. When I say too many I mean two in the past two weeks which is half of the funerals I've been to in my life.
On a similar note there have also been more weddings, and baby showers.
is this what happens as you enter into your twenty-somethings?

We sat outside eating frozen yogurt and I jokingly asked one of my good friends if I could be one of his groomsmen when he got married. He laughed and said probably. Then we started talking about marriage and when seemed like a suitable time to go through with it. As one of my other friends talked about how she wouldn't get married until she was in her thirties I looked over at my close friend [who i WILL be a groomsman for] and asked him knowing the answer, "So. are you going to graduate college and get married?"
"That's the plan."
Our other friend looked shocked.
"Woah. its so weird because usually I wouldn't believe things like that. I mean, she was the first girlfriend you ever had and you know you're going to marry her." I said looking right at him.
"I would have laughed at myself years ago if you told me I would marry my high school girlfriend. But we've been together for two years. and no one is as good." he said smiling, looking down at his hands.
"You know whats funny? I kinda believe you."

its odd to me that in three or four years I can clearly picture being in his wedding.....
the boy who i saved from the library in seventh grade.

caught in a

She looked at him through the sea of faces and colors and caught his glance. they worked their way through the crowd and the boy that she wasn't around to see turn into a man put his hands on her shoulders.
Why was it that even though everything between them was now merely platonic he looked at her the same way he always did.
They hugged just a little bit too long and she studied his face closer than she had since that night in his room.
All she could think about was how wise he looked, how confident and content. Because he was.

There was something that flickered behind his eyes which told her all she wanted to know.

no sphinx, just hedges.

its weird that I graduated high school a year ago. I reread what I wrote in response to finishing high school. dated June 26 2010.
I feel the same way then as I do now. I wish I had tried out to give the speech. minor details.

I feel the same because I am the same. I just understand myself better now. My head use to be a labyrinth which is stupid because it all was so simple. now its like that hedge maze we all ran through in the South of France, easy to navigate with one exit.

Had lunch today with two old friends and watched in awe as they described their lives just as they use to in our regular booth. The three of us always ate lunch or dinner in the same restaurant and went around in a circle telling details and secrets about our lives. Time had clearly passed, they told tales that would have shocked our twelve year old selves. But as I finished my fries and the two of them looked at me expectantly to tell juicy college stories I merely smiled, looked at them and said:

"Nothing to tell really. I just finally feel things and stuff"

hey, yeah, I'm still here.

twelve inches gone, and so are you

I like my new hair.

but I feel sick.
I feel like I could throw up because I drank too much last night and I miss people too much. I miss person too much.

i know things now.

Things I learned or realized my first year at SOU:

One. I need powerful water pressure in a shower. My hair cannot be fully clean without it. [but not for long! It’ll be all gone in five days]

Two. Salad bars depress me.

Three. People in Oregon don’t always have very good hygiene so be careful who you let hug you.

Four. I know more than I thought I did about theatre. My theatre education at Costa seemed horrible at the time but I really do know a lot.

Five. When people use the term “hooking up” here it doesn’t mean just making out.

Six. I am horrible at hanging lights.

Seven. I’m a therapist at home and I’m a therapist here.

Eight. HOW TO LIKE FRIED EGGS!!!!

Nine. How to run a successful improv group [but I’m going to keep learning that]

Ten. To allow myself to be in a relationship and not be grossed out by it and actually, to kinda love it.

Eleven. The importance of being earnest, except not the play. Just that its important to be kind to everyone, especially in the theatre department. MAKE NO ENEMIES IN THAT PLACE.

Twelve. People that only talk about their significant others are not good friends to keep.

Thirteen. First impressions of people are either completely correct or COMPLETELY incorrect. There is no in between.

Fourteen. Audition for everything.

Fifteen. Age is almost always irreverent in relation to how mature someone is.

Sixteen. Always assume that it maybe might rain.

Seventeen. It’s easier to be friends with girls than I thought.

Eighteen. So much from Greer Markel

Nineteen. Advocate for myself. It’s the most important thing.

Twenty. It’s all about who you pick as your scene partner.

Twenty-One. The real difference between confident and cocky.

Twenty-Two. That I am a horrible dancer but it’s no longer pathetic, it’s just funny.

Twenty-Three. Strike up conversations with random people. They usually have wanted to talk to you too.

Twenty-Four. I can be alone, but I don’t need to be.

Twenty-Five. I will actually make it in this business.

Twenty-Six. When in doubt, always eat pie or artichoke dip.

Twenty-Seven. How to love things, really love things.

advice from the boy I give advice to.

"it doesn't matter if you buy a purple clock or a red clock. you still have a clock"
-words of wisdom from my brother at 3am while I sat in a puddle of my own tears

underpressure

I am completely, totally and utterly stressed out and it has nothing to do with finals.
you see there is this lump in my throat that is the size of the world and makes me feel like I'm responsible for things outside my reach.
and what is a person suppose to do with that?





this much may be true.
but
we'll see.

only one box

what is there really to say anymore?

lots of things.

seven more days and I'm outta here for a few months. I want the sun and my brothers and sissstaaas but leaving here...its a bigger thing than I thought.
I feel different and the same.
When I get back to the group and the way we use to function I feel like all of this, everything thats happened is going to feel like a vague dream.

I have filled one box to start.
not ready to say bye yet.