is this one of those times you say, "it is what it is" ?

My audition came and went. 

Everything was on my mind and as I walked into the ever-so familiar theatre I felt like a guest, how I should have felt Fall 2011. Then, it was just another audition. I didn't feel nervous at all and it reflected in the fact that I didn't get in. 

This time it felt like even my bones were shaking as I stood in the lobby with a bunch of people smiling at me.

I wish they weren't looking at me. Sometimes I feel like those looks are the ones waiting for me to fail. 

"You have no reason to be nervous." 

of COURSE I do. but you don't understand that because you got in. 

I couldn't think straight as I fumbled for my resume and it stuck to my fingers as I gave it to them. 

who was this person? I have never been like this in an audition ever. Auditioning is what I'm good at. 

I began my first piece fine and then all of the sudden it all slipped away. I was standing there, biggest audition so far, in my life, making shit up. I knew he knew. All this talk of me being bad at memorizing lines got in my head, stupid naive grin made my blood boil, and the unpleasant conversation I had too close before my audition was repeating in my head, and the fact I don't know where I'm living and the idea that if this doesn't work out I have to leave..... ALL OF IT. But how can I sit here and talk about all the things distracting me when all of that is suppose to melt away when I'm acting. That's why I love it. 

So I put that into my second piece. I felt like I was going to throw up still but the character is pregnant so it kinda worked. I did it and it was fine. Maybe even good at least? 

As I walked from the room I couldn't help but give the people in the room a look as though I was satisfied with what just happened in there. 

man, if they could only see how great I am at not bursting into tears right now I would get in for sure. 

I felt the tears somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach as I brushed off how I was really feeling to someone who completely understands everything and who I really didn't need to lie to. But I felt like I let her down too. 

My body ached and trembled as I reached the bottom of the stairs leading up to his house. I wished that everyone hadn't been SO SURE everything would be fine. 

My eyes poured what felt like too many tears, maybe left over tears from Spring 2012 when moments after they found out their good news I had only a moment to pull myself together to be proud of people that I deeply envied. 

By the time I got to her house all I needed was a stiff drink. 

That isn't how I wanted things to be. By any stretch of the imagination. 

So I guess, we'll see.