you take the wing, i got the leg.

rather interested.

today was a step in a direction. some direction. finally.



all I know is I enjoyed being tired today. a lot. whether or not it is anything at all.

warm, fuzy, cement bullshhh.

I was so that guy today.
these past two weeks have been too full of inconsistencies. pisses me off. as of now I'm beginning to see that shift. the shift that every self-indulgent senior seems to make. things become fake and forced. sincerity is lost in the shuffle. we stop mattering to each other. not because we don't want to matter to each other because we can't. we don't remember the importance of the herd, because if we do, leaving becomes in focus, blinding us with the technicolor bullshit of starting over. well, it seems like bullshit now anyway. but it won't. or at least, we'll pretend like it isn't.
the rain-soaked cement and the consistent drip allowed me to curl up inside it. inside that cold, hard place that I've seen before. its easier that way. defense. from, it.
but I'm crawling out. its no fun. its not worth that now.
its better when you're wearing the correct shoes.

lets be the exception to the rule.
all of us.
most of us.
some of us.
any of us.
yours truly.

feeeeeeeel gooood.

getting out of bed and facing it is the part I cannot seem to stomach.



which is probably why I barfed all weekend.

pancakes, toast, and hash browns were necessary.

It has been the longest twenty-four hours.
but a stupid movie from the 90s gave me the perspective that I guess I had all along. but its easier to think that I didn't. this isn't a peak. and it shouldn't be. last night taught me that.

in the wake of all of these realizations i make a list of my favorite things:
1. being the comic relief. even when i want to be taken seriously.
2. hanging out with you in our ever so platonic way before you go back. don't go back.
3. how much you care. you just have to wait.
4. being pathetic
5. not being pathetic
6. that its over and you'll wish it wasn't...at some point...
7. this line that I've been hearing about so much. [i do, sir, think it exists.]
8. that I have absolutely no reason for kissing ass ever again. EVER.

and etcetera....

i forgot my age.
i forget it all the time.

to do:

waiting for four years for a moment is not wise. but i did.
and i still have to wait.
i wanted it because i wanted to prove it to them. but even more than that i wanted to prove it to myself that i had the stamina to do this forever.
so maybe i wont prove it to them. but I'm sure as hell going to prove it to myself.

just. not instant gratification.
you will not be thanked in my acceptance speech.

Puff, puff! Chug, choo!

apart from the terrifying clown riding shotgun this has got to be me for the next week. this fear I assign to the next couple days isn't in the fall. just now. It's a muscle memory thing I guess.

After a while she came to a little steam engine just like herself. She ran alongside and said: "Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and so heavy that I can't get it over." "Yes, indeed!" said this little steam engine. "I'll be glad to help you, if I can." So the little steam engines started back to where the train of cars had been standing. Both little steam engines went to the head of the train, one behind the other. Puff, puff! Chug, choo! Off they started! Slowly the cars began to move. Slowly they climbed the steep hill. As they climbed, each little steam engine began to sing: "I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can!..."

If only I had a fellow train. the funny part is I am always doing it on my own. someone always tells me I can't. I thought this year would be different. But its tradition right? well this time, the new tradition will be me getting exactly what I want.

mantra: you'll see.

the art of defeat.

that much is true.

my rib cage feels full.
and i didn't even win. fancy that. neither did you though.
so its a draw.
over it. oh well. you still rule, even though you suck.

icandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetterthanthaticandobetter
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*on a different note you make me really angry. still. but I'm the bad guy so what can I say anymore?