two thousand and nine: a summary.

January: Spent the most of the beginning of 2009 with a certain awkward boy. I would change a couple things about that if I had the chance. Auditions for the spring show brought me to a new low. my confidence was shot. and i never hated dance more. I never hated her more. I spent most of that time being bitter, angry and eating take out. the best combination. Tried breaking up with him but he talked out of it.

February: Ended things in graceful style. "Yeah?" "Yeah." It will always be my favorite. Noticed someone for the first time on valentines day. apparently he noticed me too but didn't say anything for a long time. Rehearsals were in full swing. Everyone talked about dance rehearsal with this high and mighty tone that made my blood boil. I hated her even more.

March: the uneventful calm before the storm. I counted the days until France and perfected my British accent. got shot down like a fool and made a promise I knew I wouldn't keep. my guys got serious with their girlfriends which made me look forward to France even more. Bro time awaited us.

April: The night we wandered around that grave yard at midnight things started to change.I realized that I was okay. and that our relationship was stupid anyway. Bonding time with girls. A new development for me. Seeing the same art ten years later opened my eyes to another love of mine: Art History.I had learned more in two weeks than i had my whole high school career. We danced under the eiffel tower. after the two most rewarding, happy weeks of my life exploring Europe with the ten of them we returned to hell. We made the best of it and stayed disconnected. She bothered me less but I still didn't trust her. Seeing my best friends cry over dance steps they were getting, just not perfectly was more than I could handle. We pulled it off though. But I hardly felt what everyone else felt. Senior speeches was the longest night of my life. I thought i would be more sad than i was. But i was mainly just excited.

May: I hardly remember it. Tried to forget it.

June: Everything they were sad about I thought of in terms of "exactly a year from now this is me" which left me with mixed feelings. graduation was the best one of that. june was my seize the day month. I did things because I wanted to. for the first time in a long time. We pinky swore. But you didn't keep your side of it. I'll never understand why you don't have any confidence with that kind of thing. It was then that I got in my third triangle. the choice was obvious though. even if he wouldn't make eye contact with me the first time we met.

July: in any dumb romantic comedy insert the montage of two people who think they have it figured out. spent more time with him than I had with anyone before in such a short amount of time. it was easy. pancakes and strawberries. and bananas. and free coffee. and sunrises. and gates. and sweaters. and parking spots.

August: Pretending to watch things we never did. Looked forward to being a pod in front of people rather than our two person club. Wanted school to start and didn't for the same reason. This was the first sign of my old pattern. We were too much of a pair. but I didn't care because we drank cheap wine and halfway watched royal tenenbaums. But something started to seem off. began to hear subtle reminders to start thinking about college. I ignored them.

September: School was there. I finally had some classes to care about, minus econ of course. The college cloud loomed more and more over my head. but I pretended it wasn't there. You were infinitely more attached at my hip and it started to bug me. I looked forward to being president all summer and the freshman class let me down. Their lack of enthusiasm had the same effect on me. Callbacks. I fought for a role I didn't get called back for because I had a gut feeling. go gut! That was the first time I felt like I could pull this all off. seeing my name so far up on that cast list was unreal. Round one: I felt like I couldn't be myself with you anymore. But it was going to be okay. At this stage in the game being friends was a viable option. end.

October: As always I had to convince someone to be my homecoming date. It wouldn't feel like another dumb dance without that though. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I would open up the applications and fill parts out. Not completing anything. Rehearsals were not what I expected. Everything that I thought they loved about me in the call backs he took away from me. it really made me mad. I was aware that actors are puppets. But I always thought that they were puppets with perspective. It felt like a daycare center rather than a rehearsal. maddening. the sobering discussion made everything worse. Its time I learn to not back track.Part of me just wanted to be stupid. But you were a puppy. so I made the choice for momentary happiness. Note to self: never choose momentary happiness when you have no concept of long term happiness.

November: Limbo again. But I was turning eighteen. More meltdowns about Eve. I hated her. I felt like a bitch for round two. They both brought me flowers which was odd. Then I got the birthday message. I knew shouldn't mean that much but it did. It was obvious that that was someone who understood what I liked. Peace out. Again. But it was trickier this time. Tech week into hell week I set my sights on a certain instrument. maybe because I hadn't had to work for anything in a while. Opening night. It all clicked. Brilliantly. Nothing has ever felt that good. Well maybe somethings. Turkey brought around another round two. One I half expected and was half shocked. But it was different than I expected, and nearly exactly what I wanted. Fresh flowers in my room. Recognition. yellow legal pads.

December: A new best friend. And an old one resurfaced. The pentagon. I felt like a bad person but I secretly enjoyed it. I secretly did a lot of things. It was obvious. I'm not a good actress when I'm playing myself. College seems more real. I have fallen in love with a school that I know is dangerous to love. We'll see. Dealing with his hurt feelings. I wish he would understand that I really do get it. I beginning to realize my place on the totem pole. low. Somehow I didn't see it til now. Submitting my first application physically hurt. Because its the one I want. My backbone for the last four years is crumbling. I felt like a liar as I wrote about this tight-knit group in my supplements. It's hardly there. After everything thats happened this year this is the hardest. I miss them so much. But its completely one sided.

and penny is.

a funny stew of things. its odd being in this limbo between childhood and adulthood. today marked a milestone. my first professional audition. it was odd. but sweet as hell at the same time.
but also, naturally spending the day around cartoons and candy can make anyone childlike. All in all its a funny place to be finishing up my college applications.

still no word with that one development.
dgaf?
dgaf.

be blew me off in a heart felt letter

the moment I started caring became the moment I stopped. Don't get me wrong, I'm curious but its funny how things happen like that. I appreciate rain a little more after last night. Just a little. I wonder how many times I'm going to have to have either of those conversations in my life. the first, probably just once. the second, every single day until January tenth. a month.
Something doesn't fit though.

how much? perhaps $27.

i hate selling myself.
that seems to be the main thing on my agenda lately.

TO DO:

college apps
sell yourself
honesty
fire √
tea √
yellow legal pad √
christmas shopping
outline for english

well... did you?

I'm sending in my post secret this weekend. 

and by the time I send it in I think I'll have my answer.... 

24vomit00

its funny how many lies I tell myself. Me not realizing how much it means to me until now freaks me out.
but some how, my yellow legal pad remains blank.
some have had eighty thousand drafts molded and crafted by five different sets of hands.
some pay hundreds of dollars to see a certain number on a website that they could hold over everyone like some numerical trophy.
some have known where they were suppose to be since they were six.
some had that fact decided for them by the last name attached to them.
some are athletically pleasing whether they can make a coherent sentence or not.

but its different for the majority of us.
it makes me laugh to think that i have held a television show in such high regard for years until i saw the flaw: now that I'm immersed in the process it becomes harder and harder to be happy for the people that have it handed to them.
Its fantastic to be impossibly good at the worst thing about adolescence but it also makes it horribly unfair. they are the people that will be our generations leaders, but will they actually be able to think for themselves? some, of course. it seems for most to be simply regurgitation. memorizing facts and waving goodbye as they leave your system.
digest.
i want somewhere to take me that lets me digest.
and that is where I'll end up.



right?

list. a bit late.

one: No math this year.

two: My nonchalant feeling about college acceptance. I'll get in where I'm suppose to get in.
three: finally feeling like the work paid off.
four: watching the amount of movies we're watching in art history
five: its totally been a year.
six: funny pentagons.
seven: a level head.
eight: special agent oso.
nine: second chances when I haven't earned them.
ten: second chances when you have earned them.
eleven: kittens inspired by kittens.
twelve: scoodaleedoo in my boobsnatch. to the max.
thirteen: ted, marshall, and barney.
fourteen: apples.
fifteen: lunches at 473.
sixteen: black sheep.
seventeen: the interest in sports that I lack.
eighteen: stubbornness.
nineteen: heres to you being okay...?
twenty: wine tasting.
twenty-one: the idea of france. even if it doesn't happen.
twenty-two: fire pits.
twenty-three: "Why did the fork talk to the spoon? So they could be friends"
twenty-four: starwars tshirt.
twenty-five: the next five months.
twenty-six: four.
twenty-seven: the best people I could ask for.

three hungry males.

my fictional sons made be cry harder last night than anything has in a long time. which is weird. but kinda awesome. this all just solidified the fact that I'm suppose to do this.

eeeeeeeevvvvvaaaaa

its all beginning to sink in. this is why this is my favorite part. the moment when being you is the same being them. when it clicks.
the next step is getting it to click for them.

but c'mon.
after this, that'll be a piece of funfetti cake.

baby you cannot drive my car.

its so much more than that.

size seven and a half to eight.

but what if i kinda feel like I'll only fit at one of the places I'm applying? Its funny. When everyone else around of you doesn't get it either but they all pretend to get it because its scarier not to. that doesn't work for me. percentages bug me. numbers make my skin crawl.
requirements bum me out. but it by no means makes me less of a contribution to whats here right now. because i care so goddamn much. and I guess, if they see that I'll be accepted.

if not, hello foot steps, allow me to follow you.

hey you!

................YES YOU!

a pleasanter sound.

I play out two versions in my head. but each time I feel a different way.
in the first, it all ends up the way we both want it. one of those split seconds you can't shake.
the second, ends up being nearly the same.
except
not.




I spend a lot of time thinking in terms of the people around me. and thinking in terms of fictitious characters.
its one of my more redeeming qualities.
and one of my least favorites.

If only I could translate some emotion in her. being her is like being all the vulnerable parts of myself. but its not translating.
i can't put my finger on why.

just watch the screen. not the man in front of you.

does ANYONE remember laughter?

you are so him.
its not even your fault.
not really anyway.
its fascinating how that one scene can instantly change my mood. no matter what.
the trouble is, you're nice.
very nice.
too nice.
but you're always going to be the enemy.
what I can't understand is how I seem to be so many things to you. and yet, you're just one thing to me.
as soon as I figure out what that is I'll let you know.

ha. i remember when i was a cold turkey.
the cycle is strange.

mariner's [not] revenge

"its gooooood."
ya know whats better? the fact that no matter what, it will always come back.


i really need to start filling out college apps.
its just daunting.
-->that piano player leaned over to me months ago and said, "isn't it funny that once its finally your turn it doesn't feel like your turn?"
It was the first absolutely true statement I had heard in a long long time.
I've been spending far too much time admiring people to notice, I'm up.

our awkward love affair

lets go again.

I'm mentally preparing myself for them to leave. I know it may be too soon but it has to be done. because what if i stay behind?

my love affair with them will be tough to not have every day.

a little less than ten months. i hope it goes by slow.... and fast.

not hungry, BUT-

I mean, it was obvious and it had to happen. 

But as I was saying it, it was one of those moments where you step outside and feel like you're watching it all happen. 

when I trace it to the root of the problem I will confidently say that it was because I have yet to feel that. it. whatever nondescript term is correct here.

it was too consistent....?

wait.

really?

naw.

d3

yeah, i know. 

I'm waiting too.  

buttermilk please.

reconsidering my enjoyment of a pod.
its not the the gray areas are aggravating anymore, it seems to be everything else.

after chatting it up with three women above the age of eighty tonight i have seemed to confirm my suspicion and fear: perhaps I'm not happy with the end result. perhaps I can't burrow into monotony and stay. monotony? maybe safety. safety? maybe.

when it a good time to eat pancakes?
always.

"oh, and just something for your consideration..."

proud moment of my day:

"Listen, I'm going to be straight with you. In theory, the past three years of my high school career would have been a complete waste of my time, had i not made the most out of them. My classes were unmotivating, and quite frankly, mind numbingly stupid.
but this year. this year, i care about all my classes. If I drop one
of my three electives, i would be doing a
disservice to myself. my electives that not only teach me things i
care about but teach me about what i want to continue to study for
the rest of my life. It would be an injustice to the education system
and everything thing you guys are suppose to stand for.
And don't even get me started on the unjust favoritism of athletes
pal, I could go on about that for hours and hours."

---Me, at 2:30 this afternoon

suuuck on that fool.

half court.

I only listen to a hand full of songs now.

there have been too many split seconds for comfort lately. and something just isn't right about them. but who can control that? 

control. 

i have it and you don't. 

uh oh. 

barometer

while walking with fine line between what is and what isn't most of us tend to stop, pick a side and stick. 

some of us don't. 

because I'm aware that it can be daunting. 

and little girl, while you are dangerously tip-toeing past the rest of 'em, you should have noticed that i have learned to hover.

.........jealous? 

jawsome.

@(#*%$##!@^!

11am tomorrow

ooooooooooh! every thing depends on one math test?!? well why didn't you say so? 

shit.

shit.

shit.

shit. 

shit. 

it was in the back of a taxi

i was very pensive while washing blenders today for the following reasons: 

one: am i or am i not going to be fired? 

two: i haven't shed a tear in six months. 

three: i wondered if the screaming child whose distracted mother ordered her a 24oz banana berry would ever stop. and why she even started in the first place. 

four: where i would be in exactly a year from now. 

five: where i would be in exactly ten years from now. 

six: how concerned i was about voicing it even though its been there for so long. 

seven: if it would change it.

eight: how i got a lump in my throat when i had to remake a smoothie. 

nine: how happy i am to see kitten happy. 

ten: how badly i want to go to college. 

eleven: the pain in my dad eyes following this weeks events. 

twelve: how badly i want school to start.

and finally

thirteen: the drumroll freaks me out. 

the square root of real= fake

here's my beef with math once and for all: 

if people would except it as an art form math and i would be best friends. hands down. no questions asked. 

but alas. it is supposedly the most logical and real thing in the world. numbers and calculations surround who we are and who we're meant to be. [apparently] 

a calculated indefinite possibility.

isn't that a bit messed up?

the funniest part of it all is the way we are suppose to learn it, the answer is not suppose to be the solution. its the process. 

so this whole absolute solution doesn't even apply. 

and does it ever? 

I keep thinking back to when i asked when this "real world" that everyone seems to talk about begins or ends. 

shall i draw up an equation?

five measures

on the tip of my tongue. 

and there is shall stay. 

oooooh how its much better that way. 

I feel like the only really sane one again. [yay!] 

I'll admit that i am in fact looking forward to school. and not because ... "the sooner it starts, the sooner it will end"

 

its now become.....

"the sooner is starts, the sooner it begins." 

ain't the way you found me

you know what's my favorite part? 

how when I am this happy I am THIS happy. 

 and I only worry for the fraction of a second. 

unpickle.

   It fits. 

   

  silly girl. 

  best kid of silly. 

does not want a free boost.

the world's corporations are making me hurl. 

more specifically, the one I work for. the mindless waste of my time becomes more apparent each day I clock in. but i do it. because come on, in this economic climate what else do I do?

alas, that certain corporation I happen to work for somehow believes they are the big time. like a four hour shift could change the world. and missing that four hour shift is the end of the world. 

i messed up and i get that, my vision somehow missed the one o'clock shift i was suppose to work. 

earth shattering. 

life changing. 

shift. 

yeah right. 

and I get more than anyone that not everything in life has to be the most important moment. i get that an insignificant first job years down the road won't matter. 

but for now, it just makes me mad. 

I know I'll never work for some corporation in the future. If I'm lucky, once I quit this job [in two weeks] this will be the last corporation I ever work for. 

maybe not. 

but if I'm lucky....

nothing good happens after two am.

mainly me not being able to breath. which got me thinking, my asthma is probably psychological.

it had been a strange day, and i was feeling bad about certain things.

pity asthma?

maybe.

i feel like i made the wrong choice.

and maybe my body agrees.

my lungs do anyway.

found it, an abundance of it.

seriously though, when did this happen? it kinda freaks me out because it has never been this easy. 

on another note, 

last night my excitement to grow old was affirmed in the form of a flying house. 'nough said. 

on yet another note, my favorite pass time these days is to figure out what i was doing on this day last summer. I recall tomorrow's last summer SO vividly I could almost relive it. which makes me happy. kinda. it also makes me miss things. kinda. all i know for sure is i drew a skeleton a year ago today. not this one, but close. 

if found

need to find my game. 

I'm not completely sure where it went, perhaps somewhere in between getting shot down and failing math [you wouldn't think that would have anything to do with it but it does] 

a lot can happen in a month. 

I plan on keeping my end of the promise. 

irresistible fascination.

I've been at that point lately where I've just been throwing caution to the wind in everything I do. its such a good feeling. 

caring without a CARE. 

this week is big. 

I feel heartless for being so joyful that the seniors are graduating.

I'm happy to see them go because they're ready to go. 

and they're ready because of everything that happened this year specifically. 

the freedom of france, the dramatics of the show, the tangled romances.

even more than that, I'm so sure that most of these people are forever. 

 

 

shiot son.

i am proud we made that decision today even though it was hard. 

i am proud i made it to the end of this year with only minor injuries. 

i am proud of the evolution of my hair.  

one-hundred seventy-six days in counting. 

eeeek.

SO MUCH TO DO.


but where is the time my friend?

peas.

kinda miss being in a pod. 

kinda miss it more than I should.

yikes.  

bravo adulthood.

beginning to reconsider....

everything. 

I'm inconsistent. "lovely", but inconsistent. 

I bet its my outwardly sarcastic nature that causes my ultimate inconsistencies. 

its just scary. 

"start deciding the rest of your life. today."

I can't hang.

I'm all talk. 

I want out but out where? 

and I'm suppose to know where I'm going a year from now? 

can't

hang. 

so sick of these not-so-midlife crisis'. 

fantastic.

That stupid crossroads that everyone gets to in their own time, I'm there. 

and I'm pissed. 

I hate how typical I feel now that I'm there and worse still that I may be here for awhile. 

It's my own fault because I built up these next twelve months, that in this next year I would find it, and everything would fall into place. 

but oh, 

way to stop caring about everything the second it starts.

way to not put in the effort when it counted. 

the worst part of it is, that I know its suppose to make me want to try harder and it just doesn't. 

i AM happy. 

the person I am, is the person I would like to be. 

but no one else gets it. 

Fool on the Hill

"I hope she'll be a fool--that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool" 

...and thats the way things are falling into place. I'm the fool. It doesn't really feel like the best thing to be at the moment but maybe, just maybe I'll get use to it. I just tend to stop in miss things for a little bit too long. 

...and once I stop, it makes me miss them more. I use to think I was a Jordan Baker type, a one woman show, who could not only stand on her own two feet but play golf while she was at it. 

I'm slipping into the foolishness of Daisy. the romantic, unrealistic, tangled heart that she has. 

There is blame to place. 

someone.  

somewhere.