mixtapes and masterpieces

Things about right now....
one: taking a real art history class. [I got to buy a HUGE book]
two: I get to watch the entire process of one of my favorite plays up close.
three: I'm sleeping at the foot of my bed from here on until further notice
four: I can't stop looking at my daffodils
five: improv group. its going to happen.
six: I am happy. for real.
seven: a boy made me a mixed cd.

I'm sorry. I must be missing something.

no lord.

today I sat in a small chapel and lied to a priest's face.
well, I suppose he wasn't a priest. he was a deacon. still. I lied.


"Do you believe in the one holy God and Jesus Christ?"
"Yes"

Well, I don't. clearly.

I'm a godmother. as in god. as in religion.
so we splashed the water on his head, and took some pictures and we left the little chapel.
I sat sandwiched between my little big sister and my cute grandma and saw the visible tension between my parents. to break the silence I joked,
"When he asked if I renounced Satan I almost said maybe"
silence.
"You know, its good to have some sin in your life. what is sin anyway? I call it learning experience. growth."
silence.
and then....

BOOM

three different lectures about my ignorance from three different places. its bad enough that they make me dislike my body and feel bad for getting seconds when I'm around them, now they decide its time to take a giant shit on my opinions.


hypocrites.

open sesame

it felt as though my heart was pounding in my temple as I approached the door leading into that hallway.
exactly a year ago I could be found in that very hallway, acting as though I owned the place.
I did.
Now, I was a guest.
I hugged people I missed and awkwardly stood outside the door.
Staring, hoping

then it opened.

after nearly three months of barely speaking you walked out of the door. Your hair was short and the curls were gone. You looked like a man, but not mine.
there was no rush to my system, no hot burning hands, no in love.

I did however feel my heart race as I felt all the old rush into me. The things I use to say all the time, the same tired jokes I made, the way I threw my head back and laughed in a very particular way.
these are the things I missed.
and later,
you moved closer next to me and laid your head on my lap in a very deliberate way. not to make me love, not to make me feel, but just to remind me.

it did.
but that rush, those burning hands, they can happen elsewhere.

however,


always yours,
Sarah

no rainboots.

We walked in the uncertain rain and my face was damper than any part of my body. Our roles reversed. I was the one talking this time. I proclaimed things that I had not even thought to say out loud. I discussed the things that had been weighing heavily on my mind.

Godot has been on my mind all term.
I mentioned waiting. How I have been waiting for something for nineteen years...I just wasn't sure what that something was.

Wanting to discuss I asked:

"What do you think you're waiting for?"
"I'm not waiting."
"You're....what?"
"I said, I'm not waiting"
"How are you not waiting. EVERYONE IS WAITING"
"You don't have any patience."
"what?"
"Wait longer."

I stopped dead in my tracks.
"You're not appreciating what you have."
"I have finally realized that I don't need to sit passively and wait for things to happen to me. I have to take it into my own hands. These are the things I think about. I just thought I could tell them to you."
"I've already been through this, I'm older than you remember?...you'll figure it out soon"

I stared blankly into the face that I have trusted these past couple months and turned and walked away.

"The Last Emotionless Vomit"

my friend couldn't wrap her head around doing this creative writing assignment a month ago. So, I happily volunteered.
these are phrases and words she overheard and wrote down.
I changed around the order of the words and made it into a poem.
her professor loved it.
loved it.

On selfish days, shaved cats arbitrarily study pubes
Whores of the political planet, discuss the direction of curly fries
Abandon all unfortunate cheap syntax!
Because nipple bra skank’s become vital in the sound effects of the sea
It is called loyalty you perspective extraterrestrial burritos
Get ‘er done vagina teeth, it’s a circus my dear
It’s the ceiling tiles
The psychotic ceiling tiles that stand day in and day out.
Shit!
Blind mars in the prick yesterday
Catholic Church masturbation of vicious stress
High school relationships with expectations of moisture
Lies and the betrayal of the gravity of elbows
Think puberty Elvis
Digital trampling buffalos kiss the Bush administration blind
After milkshakes cunt space is unsatisfying
Never McDonalds manipulation with perspective suffrage
Always anatomical big-eyed scorpions
Shark direction is your mom’s real problem
Prick video games of the ungrateful youth eat earwigs and their words
Obedient single compulsive testes, that is not all technique.
Sexual little tit sexual.

As I wrap up this term I am beginning to understand the function of college. I resent general ed. The same way I resented high school. I want fulfilling things all the time. I want to be swallowed up in knowledge and the things I want to know.

WHY WHY WHY must there always be bullshitty hurdles to jump?

but,

at the same time, what I've learned here so far surpasses anything that I learned in high school because I am on my own. and being alone.

Realizing that I don't necessarily want to be the bitter nineteen year old that doesn't believe in romance.

I'm certainly glad that I'm not a business major.