and then we went on space mountain again.

YAY!



√ get into college

and come on. if i can get in SOMEWHERE, theres hope for everyone.

but pretty soon my hair will be blue.

die my hair blue, purple or pink or all three.
jameson overload.
get on yo bikes and ride.
buy a one way plane ticket.
tell people exactly what I want from them instead of waiting for them to do it.
new. something silly. nothing serious.
get dreads.
get a tat.

all of which are things I could potentially do. part of me wants to do all of the above, but the rest of me is going to just do two.
still gotta have a little bit of logic.

temporomandibulartemporomandibulartemporomandibular

Found this in my word document. it was for one of my college supplements.
yaaaaay college.
accept me pleaaaase....



There were at least three dental hygienists watching me open and close my mouth. "Temporomandibular joint disorder." "Yes, I've been told that before. This is nothing new." This is true. I've been dealing with chronic jaw pain my whole life. It is genetic, made worse by my full time job: high school therapist. I'm not searching for pity. I have been told on more than a few occasions that I am a listener. It is more of a symbiotic relationship than it may appear. I listen. They talk. I study their mannerisms and voice and put it into my improvisational back pocket, they leave my side feeling better then before. I move on with my day. It is not until that night I feel the weight of the days vent. Immediately when I fall asleep, my jaw clenches. Completely subconsciously. The next morning the damage is done. My empathetic nature translates their pain into my jaw. Little known fact: the temporomandibular joint connects to the skull, and everything else. But somehow I don't let it phase me. I value these connections with my best friends, acquaintances and strangers. I would never pursue therapy as a career. My interest in it is merely recreational. The small pop of my jaw is a daily reminder of my duty. The dental hygienists don't get it. But I do.

It's better to help people than garden gnomes.

my fountain pen decided it would be a good idea to explode.
all over me.
that's what she said.
sometimes things just don't seem fully formed to me.
is it about that time? to just be typical?

possibly.
just in need of someone to be typical with.

ready to go as many places as the gnome.

I want to say one word to you. Just one word: Plastics.

my writing callus seems to have a mind of its own now. I know somethings up when it starts hurting. I allowed my fingers to go numb last night in hopes of finding something there. its odd. there kind of is. but not enough for me to become more of a villain.

Vil-lain
-noun

1: a deliberate scoundrel or criminal
2: an uncouth person
Synonyms: 1. knave, rascal, rapscallion, rogue, scamp, Sarah Mitchell


pancakes at 2am were SO worth it. and to make the situation more ideal, I turn on the tv only to find The Graduate. It made everything considerably more comical and pathetic.
Even though Elaine pisses me off, the expression on her face as they pull away from the church is my favorite: oh. shit.
the reason I like it so much is because its the same as her mothers.
oooohhh charles webb. thank you for creating mrs. robinson, elaine and ben so that I could feel like three people at once. its a rather colossal feat.


i can be in so many places at once. but it doesn't mean i want to be.

alright, here you go.

two raccoons are having a battle to the death outside my window. its a blood bath.
its not as if I would have expected anything different. its not as if you can change things like that. but through all the jokes about it...ah.

you take the wing, i got the leg.

rather interested.

today was a step in a direction. some direction. finally.



all I know is I enjoyed being tired today. a lot. whether or not it is anything at all.

warm, fuzy, cement bullshhh.

I was so that guy today.
these past two weeks have been too full of inconsistencies. pisses me off. as of now I'm beginning to see that shift. the shift that every self-indulgent senior seems to make. things become fake and forced. sincerity is lost in the shuffle. we stop mattering to each other. not because we don't want to matter to each other because we can't. we don't remember the importance of the herd, because if we do, leaving becomes in focus, blinding us with the technicolor bullshit of starting over. well, it seems like bullshit now anyway. but it won't. or at least, we'll pretend like it isn't.
the rain-soaked cement and the consistent drip allowed me to curl up inside it. inside that cold, hard place that I've seen before. its easier that way. defense. from, it.
but I'm crawling out. its no fun. its not worth that now.
its better when you're wearing the correct shoes.

lets be the exception to the rule.
all of us.
most of us.
some of us.
any of us.
yours truly.

feeeeeeeel gooood.

getting out of bed and facing it is the part I cannot seem to stomach.



which is probably why I barfed all weekend.

pancakes, toast, and hash browns were necessary.

It has been the longest twenty-four hours.
but a stupid movie from the 90s gave me the perspective that I guess I had all along. but its easier to think that I didn't. this isn't a peak. and it shouldn't be. last night taught me that.

in the wake of all of these realizations i make a list of my favorite things:
1. being the comic relief. even when i want to be taken seriously.
2. hanging out with you in our ever so platonic way before you go back. don't go back.
3. how much you care. you just have to wait.
4. being pathetic
5. not being pathetic
6. that its over and you'll wish it wasn't...at some point...
7. this line that I've been hearing about so much. [i do, sir, think it exists.]
8. that I have absolutely no reason for kissing ass ever again. EVER.

and etcetera....

i forgot my age.
i forget it all the time.

to do:

waiting for four years for a moment is not wise. but i did.
and i still have to wait.
i wanted it because i wanted to prove it to them. but even more than that i wanted to prove it to myself that i had the stamina to do this forever.
so maybe i wont prove it to them. but I'm sure as hell going to prove it to myself.

just. not instant gratification.
you will not be thanked in my acceptance speech.

Puff, puff! Chug, choo!

apart from the terrifying clown riding shotgun this has got to be me for the next week. this fear I assign to the next couple days isn't in the fall. just now. It's a muscle memory thing I guess.

After a while she came to a little steam engine just like herself. She ran alongside and said: "Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and so heavy that I can't get it over." "Yes, indeed!" said this little steam engine. "I'll be glad to help you, if I can." So the little steam engines started back to where the train of cars had been standing. Both little steam engines went to the head of the train, one behind the other. Puff, puff! Chug, choo! Off they started! Slowly the cars began to move. Slowly they climbed the steep hill. As they climbed, each little steam engine began to sing: "I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can!..."

If only I had a fellow train. the funny part is I am always doing it on my own. someone always tells me I can't. I thought this year would be different. But its tradition right? well this time, the new tradition will be me getting exactly what I want.

mantra: you'll see.

the art of defeat.

that much is true.

my rib cage feels full.
and i didn't even win. fancy that. neither did you though.
so its a draw.
over it. oh well. you still rule, even though you suck.

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*on a different note you make me really angry. still. but I'm the bad guy so what can I say anymore?

That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.

after all of that. all the painstaking stupid bull that I read into. not a waste of time. just funny. now. its time to move.

new years resolutions:
one- never find myself in a relationship where the name of the game is one person "winning" it stops being fun.
two-get that moment.
three-get into college.come on.

whaaaaaatttttt!

new year. snew year. this year is my year.