somewhere theres gotta be gold.

lately I've been watching people at stop lights. I am completely convinced that some people are under the impression that other people can't see in their cars.
this one fella today, just straight up picking his nose. in his fancy mid-life crisis car. and to add another layer to this magic, popped that sucker in his mouth.
and then he looked at me, I waved and the light turned green.

I like making up back stories for them too.
there was this one lady, heavy, caked on makeup. she was yawning. I also decided that she was a stripper who by day worked at an office building. has a kid with some guy with a tattoo of a skull on his arm. he thought it was a good idea ten years ago. she has a rose on her hip. she was smart, she just didn't think she was. she was singing quietly along to the song playing on the radio.
i wanted to be her friend after that.

you're...how....

well. so. this is new.

this is water.

"These Eskimos might be much more than they seem"

this all, everything lately can be defined with a simple three letter word: odd.

graduated, I mean...really? I'm actually done with high school? the very little attachment I have for the school was obvious at the end of the ceremony. looking at the faces of my best friends or people that I shared even a look with at some point in four years...tears in their eyes. Couldn't relate. I'll miss them [some of them] but not the safety of Costa. not in the least bit.
As I sat there trying to pay attention to the cliches that the commencement speakers were going on and on about I allowed my mind to drift. I hadn't tried out to give the speech because I assumed that the kind of speech I would give would not be the cookie cutter speech mira costa insisted on.... what would mine sound like?
I have said on the occasion [okay, more than an occasion] that I have learned absolutely nothing from high school, academically speaking of course. This is inherently true. I was not one of the honors or AP students. I preferred to sit in the back of the class room and observe. The mannerisms and facial expressions of my peers became my classes. People watching became far more educational then any math class.
I could have done so much better grade wise in high school. but then I would not be this person. If I had rolled over and paid for standardized tests to get me into name brand schools I would not be this person.
So then, have I changed in four years? or do I remain to be the fifteen year old girl who thought she knew everything.
I can't tell you.
all i know is that I'm still the girl that makes awkward jokes and does this:

hope she'll be a fool.

how is it that after reading the great gatsby twenty-six time that i STILL watch for the longest day of the yeah and then...... I MISS IT.

how does that work out?

ya know, as i sit here in my fort, looking at the ugly yellow of my graduation robe the only thought racing through my head is the fact that I wish I had someone in my life to tell me when I had food stuck in my teeth.
end of story, case closed, send it to the printers.

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, an onion patch, an onion patch.

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, an onion patch, an onion patch.

the past three days have reminded me of certain things.


THEY NEVER HAPPEN.

five is for the floor.

last night was silly and a half.
everything sharpened into perspective. even though everything was out of focus.

I had a dream friday night that I had all of this homework to do and all of this stress and as I slept I allowed it to wash over me. I woke up squirming, miserable that I would have to do all of this work. that is when I realized: there was nothing left to do.

and i fell back to sleep...

two more days.

okay,
given up on the fanciful idea of accomplishing that. I certainly did not want you to be my Rushmore. Well, I didn't want you to be my Rushmore in the sense that when I got to the top, I had no intention of staying.

maybe that is the issue.
for the past six months I've experimented. Man-mentality. its been interesting. and in some ways the benefit has been more...instant. But mainly its been isolating.

I miss being romanced.
[have I ever really been?]
[how uncharacteristic of me]

how many?

three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days three more days

THANK YOU.

I'm still burning. its like this aching feeling. I just want to yell. or perhaps I just wanted some eye contact.
eye contact I still don't have.

maybe I should have just said goodnight and I love you guys.

why did I have to get on my goddamn soap box.

well well well.

I'm avoiding government homework. trying to fix the world in a ten page paper is complete and utter bullshit. instead, I got to thinking. yesterday I talked about high school with a dear friend. what had I really accomplished? seems like nothing. but what have I done? a lot. so the only thing I can possibly do is break it down and examine.

freshman.
-made the comedy sportz team.
-did not make it into the spring musical.
-learned the importance of crew.
-met the hb kids.
-passed math.

sophomore.
-played in my first match.
-got in the fall musical.
-got in the spring musical.
-got into an awful relationship.
-lost an old friend.
-broke someones heart.
-lost myself.
-got a shitty job.
-lost ten pounds

junior.
-found.
-figured out the kind of person I like.
-got rejected.
-made it into the fall play.
-lost something that I could have had.
-got a part in the spring play.
-failed math.

senior.
-found myself is a pickle.
-made friends with my dad.
-missed my sister.
-got eve.
-drama prez.
-made an awful round two mistake.
-broke someone's heart.
-learned how to feel like a guy.
-lost what I had imagined would be the peak of my high school career.
-got fed up.
-stopped caring.
-won 3rd place at fullerton.
-wrote the 2nd place scene for fullerton.
-had a purple tutu and a cameo role in my senior show.
-gained ten pounds.
-got into four colleges.
-got a $44,000 scholarship.
-won a big trophy.
-property in the friend zone.

it doesn't quite mean anything yet. a few more days....

aMAziNG

AMAZING is one of the most overrated, overused adjectives in the english language. and i hate it.

one of the best things about finishing with high school in TEN DAYS is that I never have to go to one of those awful things again. the whole ritual of it all is not fun enough to justify the night itself. I always seem to have a rather naive expectation. heres a hint, a hint that I've told myself hundreds of times but never really hear: the expectations are never going to be the reality. and yes this is a stupid stubborn point of view but from where I sit, its the only logical point of view to take.

last night was just the reality check. listening to people talk for each other. "well WE like this." "WE feel this way" is this how its going to be when I'm a late twenty something and I'm still alone?

I have got to allow myself feel something again.
[other note to self: you are a hypocrite.]

at least I'm not allergic to grass.

ITS JUNE.
WHATUP JUNE.
WHATUP GRADUATION.

W H A T U P ?

in other words, hey home stretch its nice to meet you.
and yet somehow, things still have not fallen into place. I suppose they aren't suppose to, I just always imagined they would.

NEW FAVORITE PASS-TIMES:
1. napping
2. running
3. eating
4. writing
5. day dreaming
6. not being bitter
7. attempting to ignore the "what could haves"
8. napping
9. lots of midnight pancakes
10.napping
11.waiting
12.waiting some more.

I do miss things. its overwhelming how much I do sometimes. Mainly I miss things that are still here. one of the strangest feelings in the world is sitting next to someone, someone you can physically reach out and hold, but missing them seems like the only thing you can logically do. why am i always tired? the other night I realized how long it has been since I ran to the sprinklers perfectly on time and laid in the grass. my sweatshirt was soaked through, little bits of wet grass clinging to my legs and all I could think about how it felt exactly the same as it always has. how comforting it was. I wondering how many times it will be before it feels different. maybe never. hopefully never.