two-thousand and ten: a summary

Song of the year "This Year" by The Mountain Goats
[played this song nearly everyday on the car ride home from school. if you're not familiar with the song, [and I hope so because the mountain goats rule] the chorus to the song is:

"i am going to make it through this year if it kills me"


THIS YEAR:

January:
The morning of January first, I woke up having already broken my new years resolution. I continued to break that resolution for the next few months. After four years of waiting to take that last bow on stage, everything I had been working for simply just didn't happen, a theme I needed to get use to. I spent that day in mid-January after the cast list had been posted in the fetal position on my couch, my head nestled in the lap of my best friend. I was numb. I was a hollowed-out version of myself. I resembled a hollow tree.

February:
I fell deeper into feeling that thing I still deny knowing. I pretended it meant nothing to me. it was easier that way. But, as always, you didn't want 'us'. so....I developed feelings for someone else that I shouldn't have. Didn't want to "fulfill the prophecy" so to speak. It was also the armchair thing. [I think about the armchair thing all the time.] but then I realized that one was merely a substitution for the other. and I was in love. a pathetic, unrequited love. A love I had held for an embarrassing long amount of time. so of course, I buried it again. Hated the rehearsal process. Hated my part. Hated Mira Costa Drama. but i had to pretend it was all okay....I hated being president. But then....I got into college.

March:
I began a countdown. Got into two more schools. Mentally, I was done with senior year. I stopped feeling close to people. Everything seemed meaningless. and then....at the last minute....we pulled it together. Adam and Eve, back in action. I fell in love with Eve all over again. the ten minutes Adam and I spent on the finals stage at Fullerton Theatre Festival were the best ten minutes of my high school career. As I walked off stage, and he said those last lines "Wheresoever she was, there was Eden..." I began shaking with Eve's tears...with my tears. When the whole room stood, I didn't care about anything else. I was exactly where I needed to be. We won.
Also, I decided that Jay Gatsby was not the man for me. It was Nick Carraway I longed for.

April:
Opening night of the worst musical ever came and went and I barely cared. The only thing I cared about was the fact I didn't care. It was alarming how little I cared. Rejected from my top school. Started having pity parties, a party of one, backstage. I slept on the greenroom couches during the run of the show and had a cast member shake me awake two minutes before my cues. Good thing being half asleep really worked for my drugged out, drunk character. I hated how apathetic I was. I liked hanging out with the crew and the dog. Closing night, as I got my mic and wandered toward the stage to do my final mic check, it occurred to me that this was it. I got emotional because everyone else was emotional. I was brutally honest in my senior speech. "Expectation is a sick joke on anyone who is gullible enough to have it" I couldn't tell if it was helpful to anyone. hopefully.

May:
Began to develop a real genuine crush on a bro. I looked forward to that class everyday for the great conversation. It had been awhile since someone had challenged me. I wasn't "the type". It was too out of the comfort zone for both of us. The friend, the therapist. I was "the best listener ever". he did everything but pat me on the head. I picked Southern Oregon and it felt right. It also scared the shit out of me. No one knew anything about it. It wasn't nearly as impressive as the schools my friends were going to but I didn't care. The mystery of it intrigued me. It was finally something that was just mine. Hung out with my grandma more, soaking up everything she has to offer. Began writing what I hoped would eventually be my masterpiece, a love letter to every man or boy that has ever had an impact on my life.

June:
Prom was stupid and boring. Big shock. I looked around at the dance and resented the girls in the dresses that were as short as t-shirts. I mean, come on. What did they expect? someone to come up and compliment their vagina? I questioned why they could be stupid and happy and why I was cynical and angry at the age of eighteen. I just wanted to sleep. I also began to hate when people spoke in terms of "WE". just, be yourself. but was I jealous? I came to the conclusion I would not peak in high school. Had mixed feelings about it. Wanted instant gratification. My romantic life was far from romantic. the words "meaningless" and "monotonous" come to mind. I got an A in Government, the first class in high school I actually tried in. It felt better than anything had in a long time. I also won "Best Actress" for the forth time in a row, the only person to ever win it consecutively....small victories in that department...I had to appreciate them... I slept for two days straight once the seniors were done with school. You were there again. You wanted it this time. I remember complimenting you on your kissing ability and you thought I was mocking you. I wasn't.[you had improved]. Directed The Other Shoe and wondered if I was similar to the flighty girl in the scene. She did things because they made her happy momentarily. The final comedy sportz match of the school year was more emotional than closing night of that awful show. Comedy Sportz taught me everything I really know about acting. I owe it everything. I had gone from being the "token girl" to a vital member of the team. I had barely any emotional attachment to the school I was graduating from. Other than them, the people that were my real teachers for four years.

July:
I stayed in bed all day, and would stay up talking to the ones that mattered most all night. You left. if you hadn't have gone....who knows what may have happened. But living in the land of who knows is a dangerous place to live. We had that moment in your car before you left...and when we held hands...that was weird. I got paid a lot of money to teach brats to improv. I was as spoiled as them. So lucky to spill out all the information I learned from comedy sportz. It made me appreciate everything I learned. At night I attended a acting class with a teacher I really respected. Meisner technique taught me things I always knew, but was too scared to admit. It clicked with me. Family in shambles. I had an emotional breakthrough in class that got me thinking. When you came home for the weekend my expectations were shattered. I began to fill the hole with more meaningless ventures.

August:
People began to leave. I fought with my most logical friend in a bowling alley for the first time in our eight years of friendship. It was about relationships. Me, doubting high school infatuation. In essence, doubting him. But it was okay. Eventually. My partner in crime of seventeen years was the first to leave. We had never had a first day of school without the other. But I knew the only thing that would change between us was distance. One by one they all left. Our big full group morphed into a feeble clan.

September:
I spent a lot of time making forts made of boxes. Boxes I should have been filling my life here with. I worried for the state of my parents marriage. Could not comprehend why anyone would want to stay in that. Went to Boston. It finally happened. Being barefoot in the park was far too poetic. The words that stranger said flew through my head everyday, "its a funny thing: when its finally your turn it doesn't feel like your turn anymore." I moved to school. I was scared shitless but refused to show it.

October:
New people over-load. I began to reflect on the year. thought about all the "mistakes" I made. I wondered if I grew up. I wondered if perhaps I grew down. I dropped a pumpkin pie on my hand. Fishbowl kids distracted me from my homework in the best way possible.

November:
Turned nineteen. Had my one year anniversary with myself. well. sorta. He was my boyfriend. Then that weekend happened...bad soup in a hallway. bad everything in a hallway. Didn't get into acting one. didn't get into the winter term shows. HEDDA. spent everyday at rehearsal listening. Mentally taking notes. Learning. We walked by the train tracks. I was in my slippers. Staying up all night. Coming home was odd. not in a bad way just in a different way. Thanksgiving. Plane barf. freak out.

December:
Long drunken talks. the best. Mainly because I finally found someone I can look up to. Which I didn't think I needed, but maybe I do. Started reading more. Escaping to the lives of fictional characters even though I didn't need to escape. Officially a member of SAG. Overwhelmingly in love with my new life. Everything hasn't come as easily as I imagined but its better that way. I learn more. Hopefully sometime soon, I'll have something that is all mine again. I'll have a chance. I'll be able to prove myself to the people around me.
But mainly, I want to prove it to myself.




I just always need to make sure I'm her at the core of it.