well. shit.

Today, I had a mortifying moment.
I love when I alliterate and don't even know it.
I love that I'm rhyming without even trying.
OKAY ENOUGH.
I did have a point.
this week I've returned to my old middle school to help out with a show my old teacher is directing. its split into two casts, so he worked with one while I worked with the other.
[it went fairly well, I'm beginning to get my sea legs with the whole director thing.]
thankfully, my embarrassing moment did not happen in front of the eighteen kids I was directing.
As my teacher and I parted ways in the parking lot he simply said 'thank you.' and I replied with 'of course.'
[yet again not the moment I speak of]
I got into my car and drove away. it was at that moment that one thousand thoughts began flooding through my head.
to name the important ones:
one: Wow, I loved that. I love directing.
two: I miss acting.
three: wait, I really LOVE directing.
four: oh....I'm not going to be in acting one this term. oh...I'm not going to be in acting one next term either....
five: wait, I totally love directing.
six: HOLY SHIT. I NEED TO ACT. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
seven: I am really good at directing.
eight: WAIT. OH MY GOD. I DIDN'T FUCKING GET INTO ACTING ONE. WAIT. SERIOUSLY? I DIDN'T??? REALLY? REALLLLLYY UNIVERSE? YOU CAN'T THROW ME A FUCKING BONE?
nine: my two best friends at school got in...next term. I'm so happy for them
ten: but FUCK I'M GOING TO BE SO JEALOUS.
eleven: the way that one kid looked at me....he was really listening and taking in what I had to say......I could be great director.....
twelve: BUT I'M A FUCKING GOOD ACTOR AND NO ONE IS GOING TO GET TO SEE THAT.

and then....the moment occurred.
I don't cry. I'm not a "cryer".
and yet....there I sat. at a stop light.
silently shaking with tears in my Honda.
someone honked their horn at me because the light changed. I jumped in my seat and glanced at the huge gas-guzzler next to me. the passengers were looking at me. A pitying look mixed with amusement. I sped off knowing thankfully I would never see them again.
I finally faced the reality I didn't get in. I mean, its been two months. theres always next year...when I WILL get in but.... Maybe I'm like one of those soldiers with posttraumatic stress disorder. Wait. I shouldn't make war jokes....yet...
I guess I put it in the back of my mind because I was lucky enough to get to be a sponge in Hedda. But....starting next term I am going to have to squeeze my way into the department. for the rest of the year.
fuck.