I can't fall asleep. I have been alone in my room for over 48 hours. I'm not good at being sick. My mind is awake thinking about all the things I should do but my body won't let me do them. I just want someone to come over and read the great gatsby to me cover to cover. I need the green light right now. I have been looking through old pictures that have randomly made me burst into embarrassing tears. When this happens I look behind me thinking someone is there but they're not.
I've always been independent. I've always been okay with shutting myself in a room for hours and getting over a cold, or in this case this MONSTER I have inside of me. for the first time all I can think of is 'I want my mommy' I just want to sit on our couch at one in the morning with a bowl to throw up in in front of me, her next to me rubbing my hands while watching lady and the tramp like we always did when I was sick. I just want that.
When she said she would fly up and sit with me, or fly me home my heart leapt. I mean, could I?
No.
I forget that I'm on my own now.
I have people. Great, wonderful people but I don't have my person which is the core of the lump in my throat.
I just want to be in my big bed at home.
I just want to sleep continuously for a few days.
I just want to eat my favorite pasta.
I just want to take a long bath.
I just want to go be sick at home.
I just want to stop leaking these stupid embarrassing tears.
Isn't it incredible that, when we're at our weakest and battling illness, all we want are the comforts of home? It's not when we're elated or when we're hard at work on a project. It's not when we are puzzled or pleasantly perplexed. No, it's only when we are betrayed by our own biology that we long for the one who gave us that flawed system in the first place! There's an irony there.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better. I'm on the recovering end of my usual Winter cold and have, as of yet, avoided the flu that everyone seems intent on giving me. I'll keep you in my thoughts, kiddo!
Oh, and tears are never worth being embarrassed over. :)