this one time, we just drove.

I am nineteen but I don't feel nineteen at all.

much older.

I just wanted to take things at a normal pace for once. To sit and have a decent conversation.

[because I said it. I said I wanted a decent conversation. Once I say it out loud I need it to be true.]

I walked away from his house with a lump in my throat. None of it had been wrong, just very not specifically what I was looking for and really, what I thought I found.
it started to rain and I walked quickly past drunken kids heading back to the dorms. The lump in my throat got bigger and I called a friend.
I was fine with returning home alone, in fact I preferred it. I opened my jar of nutella and began eating spoonfuls as I listened to 'Dear Avery' by the decemberists.

then she said, "lets go for a drive"

I changed out of my date clothes and into a huge comfortable flannel. Raced down the stairs, passed a romantic goodbye as I walked out the door.

And we just drove. I recounted the full story and she listened. She talked, I talked. Give and take, silence.
We kept driving and as I looked out my window and had a flash of being in Palos Verdes. the sky was black and it made me miss the ocean.
I looked forward and watched in shock as the aggressive rain turned into snow.
It was SNOWING.
real snow.
REAL SNOW.
we drove to the lake and it had frozen over. I was still in my flannel with a scarf wrapped around my head, my moccasins slipping on the icy rode. We got out and looked up. The soft, cold snow, landed carefully on my face and couldn't help but laugh to myself. It was exactly what I could hope for at the end of this day.
We drove back, back to the reality of dealing with what had happened before, the reality of my research, the reality of midterms.
I just needed to sleep.
I had left my computer up with my itunes on and the last strums of some song played and right as I put my keys down the song 'The Penalty' my favorite Beirut song began to play.
it was a good way to fall asleep.

I put away the jar of nutella.

Like an ancient day and I'm on trial
Let them seize the way, this once was an island And I could not stay for I believed them
Left for the lights always in season
Impassable night in a crowd of homesick fully grown children,
you'll leave the lights

-Beirut