guess we never had it

"Well there was that time you know, when I had a thing for you and you didn't have a thing for me and then when you had a thing for me and I didn't have a thing for you but you know it was timing right?"

I opened my mouth to reply and the lights dimmed.
I sat there in the theatre, dumbstruck, as I thought about the run-on sentence he just said.

Its not that I wasn't aware of the situation he was referring to it was the fact that I didn't know how to respond. Lately, I have been saying everything that I want to say because, why not?

That is when I realized, it was hard for me to say things to him because talking to him brought me back to the mindset of being a senior and being completely mute and not expressing what I wanted.
In retrospect, I didn't really say anything I wanted to say when I was eighteen.
Now, I'm not one for the "should haves" and "I wish I would have" but lets be real, here is what I should have said when I was eighteen. To all different people:

"You're an idiot for not wanting to be with me."
I wish I would have stayed with the other one longer.
"Don't lose yourself in her...But I know you're going to do it anyway."
I wish I would have enjoyed you while you were still on this planet.
"You ditch me for her whenever you have the chance."
I wish I wouldn't have let her.
"WHY AM I DATING YOU?"
I wish I would have picked differently.
"I don't actually like you its just nice that you like me."
I wish I wouldn't have even started that lie.
"Stop wasting everyone's time. This may not be important to you anymore but its the rest of my life."
I wish I would have sat down and explained to her what she could really do.
"You are literally one of the dumbest people I have ever encountered."
I wish I would have won a trophy for doing it my way, scratch that I DID.
"I miss you all the time but I know you don't miss me at all"
I wish I would have missed someone else instead, recognized it and acted on it.

This is what I could think of in those first moments of the black out then I leaned over to him and whispered,
"Yeah. Timing. Probably timing."