and the mind can play tricks on the fool who tries to use it.

I wish I could have watched the Oscars last night. 

Its stupid or whatever but things like that make me excited for all the possibilities of the world. And I'm not saying I'm going to burst out of Ashland and win Oscars, [but wait, why the hell not?] 



We lay awake at 5:17am. 

"I feel desperate and stuck and like I'm aching for something."

"Why?"

"Because, well, I don't want to poison you." 

"Poison away." 

"It'll be different for you, but being here is exhausting. I know I'm not always going to get every part, rejection is inevitable. But... I get mad watching sometimes. Like watching the show tonight. Because I know I can do it." 

"They can do it too, right? At least some of them." 

"And I know that. Yes, of course. See I'm selfish." 

"It's not selfish to want something you know you could do. It's not selfish to want chances."

"I would have traded all the shows last year for any of this years shows. I want to say beautiful words about love and not apologize for them and be able to mean them as much as I wanted. But maybe... ultimately all I want is just to be able to say those things to someone in my life and have them feel the same way. I just do not want to apologize for feeling things." 

"Then don't. Don't apologize."

"I just want to be free from here already. I want to be able to try to reach my full potential, but I feel like I can't do that here if I'm not given the chance to show other sides. Other than silly and presentational."

"I just look at you and see your talent and potential. Take it or leave it, what the hell do I know, but I see it. And I think you're going to do big things. And when you're all famous and every guy wants to be with you, because they all will want to be with you, you should find me and let me hold you one more time."

"What a simple and wonderful request."

pillow thoughts

So, we should check in a little bit. Do you want to keep seeing me?

The thing is I don't really think I need to anymore. I like talking to you but I think I can do this on my own now.

I would agree with that. In all my time doing this I don't think I've ever witnessed someone pick up the pieces of their life so quickly. You recognized that you were unhappy and you changed your situation. That takes a lot of guts.


Thank you. That really means a lot. I guess... Yeah, I'm proud of myself too.

You should be. You're very brave, intelligent and nurturing. Just do me a favor, make sure you're taking care of yourself and not other people. Take care of them if they need it of course but not at the cost of your happiness. Okay? 


I sat at the head of the table after eating a delicious slice of pizza with a whiskey sour in my hand smiling. I was happy. I was tired but very happy. And as if on cue, like what happens in most stories, it got all dark and I immediately felt uncomfortable. I finished my drink in a gulp and walked out of there.

It breaks my heart that he doesn't want me to be happy. I feel like it invalidates everything we've been through because he would rather have me be miserable. 

We're not going to be able to be friends. That is the gut wrenching truth. I think the reason why we won't be able to be friends is because no one knows the real you but me. And that terrifies you. It will be hard to see you fall back into who you use to be. Maybe they'll find out, maybe they won't.

"You gotta do you right now." 

Yeah, I do.  

number 2

I mentioned feeling like I was finally coming up for air:

Its like when you jump into the deep end of a swimming pool and you sink down to the bottom. You know that feeling?

Yes. 

And you don't expect to be down there long, you know you'll just float up to the top soon. 

Right. Two years ago I jumped in the pool and didn't realize how deep the deep end was. 

Do you wish you had come up for air sooner? 

I'm not sure yet... So many water metaphors in my life right now. I miss the water. 

You miss...?

No. That time I was talking about the actual water. I miss the actual water. The ocean.

I feel free.

I feel free. 


I feel free.



I feel free. 


I feel free. 


I feel free. 


I feel free.



and he gave me his sweater to wear if I wanted to and I definitely do want to and


I feel free. 

I feel like I'm coming up for air for the first time in years. I got so use to breathing under there that I forgot what it was like to breath at the surface. And I'm gulping in the air because its clean and makes my heart beat faster. 
I got back and started walking inside and then dropped my bag by my door and took off running down the street laughing and smiling and breathing and letting out strangled yells through the laughter. Once I reached the stop sign I pulled my sweater over my head and swung it around my head and skipped a little and laughed. 
I thought I wanted to run with someone but I really just needed to run alone. 

I am free. 

instruction manual.

I truly enjoyed myself for the first time since before winter break last night. 
It was nice talking to someone. 
It was nice feeling like I could say anything and not have to fucking apologize for it.

I AM FINISHED APOLOGIZING FOR THINGS I SHOULD NOT APOLOGIZE FOR. 

From here on out I'm living this up for me. 
It is my turn. 





I only wish I didn't hurt so horribly when other people hurt. It makes living for myself far more complicated. I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy myself even though this is what I was instructed to do.

I'm following instructions.

blame game.

The sun was so bright and the air was actually warm yesterday. I woke up feeling happy. Happy for the first time in weeks. Waking up yesterday felt like bursting through the surface of the cold salt water after being submerged for a long time. 
But throughout the day I slowly got pulled back underneath the water. 

"Don't blame other people for your unhappiness." 

"But how can I not blame them when I am happy until they influence my day in a negative way?" 

"You have to just try to be happy regardless of what they feel." 

"That is completely fucking impossible. I'm sorry. But seriously its impossible. Other people have always affected me." 

"Why?" 

"Because I care? I don't know." 

 
Tonight might be interesting.

In the dark car before we walked into a gathering I did not want to attend I yelled, "WHY WON'T PEOPLE JUST LET ME BE HAPPY?"
She looked at me. Because she is so wise and said, "Fuck 'em."

breaking up in a fishbowl.

"I have this dream... Is it cliche to talk to a therapist about dreams?" 

"Its very common but I'd love to hear it." 

"Okay. Well, I have this dream, its replaced the one where all of my friends, except for Stephanie, are holding me down and scratching me and ripping out my hair. So that's a positive thing." 

"That is a very positive thing." 

"ANYWAY, I walk through this museum. There are artifacts from my life everywhere. Some that I recognize, some that I don't but I still have emotional attachment to them regardless. And I walk through and touch the glass, or stand and admire them for awhile and feel a sense of wholeness. Like everything in this museum was worth my time and nothing in it makes me sad or better yet, makes me want to steal it from the museum and relive it. I just want to look and know that its there and safe. I'm too much of a control freak. I care too much how other people feel about my personal life and I'm trying to control him so he thinks of our relationship fondly and doesn't trash it to whatever girl he gets with next." 

"Are you worried he will? Trash it?" 

"I just want the museum to be for me. And he can come visit it as long as he's respectful." 

"Tell him that. Tell him you want him to respect it." 

"I will. I'm going to. I finally think I know exactly what to say to him without getting lost in his arms."  

"You have a remarkable handle on this. I'm not just saying that. I know you feel like you don't but you do. This is normal and okay. It can't be easy feeling all of this, breaking up in a fishbowl." 

"Its not. Thank you for saying that.I feel like that's all I've wanted. Someone to say I'm not crazy and I'm doing a good job." 

"You're not crazy. You're just trying to fall out of love in a place that's not allowing you to do so. And you are doing a good job. And you have very interesting dreams." 

easier for you.

I still love you. 


But I wonder what it would be like for both of us if we weren't trapped here, in this place, with all these people, most of whom don't give a shit about us. 

What if this had happened two years down the line when we were both going in different directions and we could enjoy the company and attractiveness of other people without feelings guilty and disgusting and jealous. 


That is what I wish could happen now. 
I wish I could leave right now so these feelings would go away. 

Maybe its impossible to stay connected to a person when there are too many feelings involved.

But I don't care what she says, even if shes joking or serious, I believe in love, and know I'm going to have it. If I can believe it after feeling like my heart is being torn up every time I'm near him or he kisses me because we can't shake the habit, she can believe it.



[I'm putting on a way bigger show than anyone wishes to believe or see. I'm heartbroken. But maybe its easier not to talk about it because no one knows what to say.]

ice.

After many nights of having the same dream over and over and over again, last night I finally had a new one. 
I was standing on ice. I looked around and could not see anything else for miles except for ice.
The sky was that annoying white-gray that I hate so much. 
The ice cracked and I lost my balance. 
It cracked again and I fell to the other side. 

It cracked a third time and a whole opened up in the ice.
I clung on to the side with everything I had. 

That was it. 

I don't remember anything else.