first week.

In movement I hit someone in the face with a ball and I lost it. I felt horrible. We both knew it was an accident but somehow it triggered something awful inside of me. When we put our hoods on and walked around the space neutrally I cried underneath my hood. My professor kept calling me out saying, "You're slouching! Stand up straight! Walk with the floor!" I wanted to yell back, "I KNOW I AM MOTHERFUCKER, I'M CRYING UNDER HERE."

We were suppose to find someone in acting class we didn't know and stare at each other for a few minutes. No talking. Her and I ended up together because all the people I actually didn't know where taken. We sat down and stared. 
Her eyes were so full. So strong and supportive. As if at the same time, our eyes both began to fill with tears. I felt like we were talking to each other without saying anything. I tried with everything I could to hold it in but I couldn't. She looked at me with tears running down her face and smiled as if to say, "Just go for it love" And I crumbled. I grabbed her hand and started sobbing. I knew everyone could hear me but I didn't care. It was the most connected I felt to someone in a week. 

After class I apologized to my acting professor for being so emotional these first two days. She said, "At least you're not lying about how you're feeling. You recognize it and you're pushing through." She hugged me and then said, "I'm really excited to work with you. I've wanted to for awhile."


Last night I barely made it all the way into Creek because I stopped and talked to a smart and interesting girl who use to live in my room on S. Mountain. 
I had three drinks and a slice of pizza with her and we talked for three hours.

Halfway through our conversation she said we got along because we're water signs. 
She said she loved how direct I about the way I was feeling while still managing to figure out the emotions. 
She told me everything and I told her everything and it was exactly what I needed.

I miss him so much. I'm waiting for the day I can tell he doesn't miss me. 

But I can also tell this is going to be a really important year for me.