Penguin love.

When I was four years old, I walked into my grandparents house and clutched my brand new stuffed penguin I fondly called, Penny. 
My Pop-pop sat me down on his knee and quizzed me about the penguin, seeing how much I knew about them. 
I was four so I knew very little. 
"That is an Emperor Penguin, darling. Do you know where they live?" 
"They live in the cold?" 
"That's right!" he said "What else?" 
"Theeeey.......hide their eggs underneath their bodies?" 
"Right! But do you want to know my favorite part about them?" 
I nodded vigorously. 
"Penguin love is the deepest most true kind of love." 

My grandfather was a very loving man, but most of that started when he became a grandfather. He was not the most present father and struggled with alcoholism. 
He made up for lost time with his children's kids. 

From the time that he told me about this deep Penguin love until I was thirteen, I was under the impression that Penguins were the most magical animals who mated for life. It baffled me because that is not something even most humans are capable of. 
When I saw March of the Penguins my world was shattered. Not only because of how heart breaking it was, because it was in that dark movie theatre that I realized my grandfather was wrong: Penguins did not mate for life. 

I was crushed. I watched my parents fight and was having enough trouble believing in human love, but now the Penguin love was gone? 

They remained my favorite animal but I was in denial. 
I wanted to believe that maybe the movie got it wrong, maybe it depends on the penguin, like people. 

Then I fell in love for the first time. 
I didn't want to be in love with him because I knew he didn't feel the same way. I distinctly remember sitting in that dark car with him whispering, "Don't worry, you didn't hurt me. I wasn't in love with you anyway." 

I truly believed I didn't love him. 

And then, I fell in love for the second time. 
It was unexpected and strange but months into our relationship I knew it was true. It felt different than before so I still wrote off the first time. 

My heart broke when he walked out of my room and I kissed him at midnight knowing it was probably going to be our last.

When I went back on New Years day, the boy who "didn't" break my heart and I spent some time together. Looking at his face, the same face who so lovingly rejected me all those years ago made me realize something I am only now strong enough to admit: I was in love with him. But I'm not anymore. Of course I felt a love for him, probably a kind of love I'll only ever feel for him specifically, but it was such a weight lifted off of me as we walked through that used bookstore together to know, I use to be in love with him. 

Which brings me back to the Penguins. 

Today I realized my grandpa didn't lie to me. He never said, "Penguins mate for life" I only assumed that because I wanted to believe it and I was four. Or because I was thirteen and I desperately wanted to believe that true love existed.

It does. 
Penguins have it too. 

Penguins do fall in love. For one year they are completely devoted to their counter part. The male penguins protects the egg, while the female penguins risk their lives for their egg and their mate gathering food. 
They find each other again through a special noise that only they know. 
They cultivate their love through the egg. 
And then they leave each other. 

This no longer breaks my heart. 
It gives me hope. 

As we clung to one another he said to me, "If there is one thing I know for sure, you're going to fall in love again. You deserve to have love in your life more than anyone else I know. And the person who gets it is going to be very lucky. I was." 

There's a common misconception that people can only have one true great love in their life. 
That's bullshit. It's all about timing. 

I'll probably fall in love many more times before I find someone I want to spend even more time with.
I love falling in love. I use to think being in love was a sign of weakness. It isn't. And it doesn't scare me anymore.  
And I'll know in my gut when its right.