The year I figured out how to love.

JANUARY.
Upon my return to Ashland I realized I felt a lot more than I bargained for. I always thought my greatest fear was not succeeding but I soon came to realize that what I feared more was being heartbroken. We cared for each other deeply but neither of us knew how to say it. I opened up, shed layers quickly to try to show him how much I cared by telling him things about me no one knew. I applied to work on Catalina Island for the summer and I really pictured myself being on the island. I realized I was in too deep with this boy and feared that he would be the one to break me in two. I would be able to put myself back together but how whole could I make myself. These particular girls made me want to scream. I was jealous of them for some strange reason. It made me feel ugly and horrible.

FEBRUARY.
We began to say "I love you" on a regular basis. Saying those words use to feel like toffee in my mouth. My mouth didn't feel natural forming those words and attaching them to sound. But the more I said it the more it felt true. I hated my best friend's boyfriend. He made me feel like a petulant child and would mock my relationship to my face. He infuriated me. I tried to articulate how I felt to my best friend but every time I got scared, knowing that this could be what breaks us up. After that night, the night he got too drunk on her birthday and grabbed my wrist so hard, I no longer felt safe in my house. But I also didn't feel safe in the party house either. Not because of the boy I loved, but because of the people who always occupied the living room. I didn't have a place I felt like I could call home in Ashland anymore. He felt like home because he was my best friend. On the 27th we had been together for a year.

MARCH. 
Midsummer came and went and the Mechanical Island was the place to be. Even though the show wasn't good at all, I had a blast. I disliked certain people and their disrespect but I loved my boys. Auditions for the spring shows and I found myself going hard for a part I never imagined I would want. It was like I was facing a fear I didn't even know I had. High School made me dread musical auditions because I knew that I wouldn't get it. But this time, I did. It felt bizarre. The very man who didn't allow me into Acting One was now trusting me to be the lead in the musical. All of the sudden I was cool. I went home for Spring Break and noticed how old my grandma had become while I was gone. My heart ached when she kept saying she didn't know how much she had left in her. I found out I wasn't going to spend my summer on Catalina and my heart broke, just a little bit. I had a meeting with my advisor and it felt as though I was being reprimanded for being successful with casting. I looked at him and wondered why a man who gave me my first opportunity here was now mad that I was getting more opportunities. Now kids, this is what we call FORESHADOWING.


APRIL.
I felt guilty I was succeeding but desperately didn't want to feel guilty. These people didn't know me before, before when I never got the things I worked for. I wished I could walk through the green room with my middle fingers up in the air like I just don't care but I did care. Who cares if mean girls were saying that I didn't deserve things. This is what happens sometimes. But I had to try to keep my composure and not yell, "LOOK HOW HARD I'M WORKING." to them. I hated being in my apartment. That was the place I felt worst about myself. He made me feel like I was the shit on his bike shoe. I would escape and watch different television shows. I would bang on the wall to tell my stupid neighbors to stop partying at 3am on a Tuesday. I went to the gym, ate, class, ate, rehearsal, then sleep. I became a machine.

MAY.
That same advisor/professor began to show me what an asshole he really was. I asked him to challenge me and all he did was treat me different. Different in a bad way. Different in the way that made me feel like they all hated me more. The musical was driving me crazy. I was learning a lot but I didn't feel genuine. I didn't feel like I even resembled a real person. The situation at my apartment got to a breaking point and I finally got up the courage to say what I needed to say about the situation. Unfortunately it was about an thirty minutes before the biggest audition I'd had so far: to get into the Pre-BFA. My mind was stuffed with so much that I went in and for the first time in my whole life, I choked. It was a complete and utter failure. The wait began and ended. My main girl and I got in and that was all I cared about.

JUNE.
The house hunt was in full swing with too many dead ends. Craigslist was my new home page. I only had a few weeks to find a house, move in before I left for LA. I acknowledged that it would have been much more of a headache to handle if I did get the job on Catalina. That didn't make me still crave it any less. We spent the last few weeks together, sleeping in, going on little hikes, avoiding my apartment like the plague. I got an extension on my lease because we couldn't find a place. She moved out and I was sad about it because it really felt like she just didn't give a shit about me anymore. She had picked him, and because he never made an effort to be a nicer person, and not talk to me like I was an idiot, I couldn't ignore it. She moved the last of her stuff out and this wave hit me. I was sad. I cleaned the apartment alone. My sister got dumped by her loser boyfriend who also talked down to me and made me feel like an idiot. I wondered why cool women in my life who I loved dated the biggest jackasses every. A word of June advice: Never date a guy who is not nice to your girl friends or your sister. He will always be bad news. I was heart broken for her because I knew she really saw forever with him. On a whim she flew to Oregon to help me move and to hang out. We drank wine and talked like real friends for one of the first times ever. We moved into The Palace or The California Suite as we call it. 

JULY.
A few days to get settled in the new place. Full of The Walking Dead and excitement/dread of going home. My heart felt too attached to him, and people here. We spent the Forth of July wasted all day, throwing water balloons and drinking more. I couldn't stop holding his hand. We watched the fireworks and after he decided to leave because it would be too hard to say goodbye later. His friends awkwardly stood in my backyard as I weirdly cried because I was going to miss him so much. I drunkenly finished packing at 3am and almost missed my ride to the airport because I didn't set my alarm. Once on the plane I realized I was still drunk. I surprised all of my friends, except for one who helped me plan it. They all arrived at his house at different times and we decided to have "catered surprises" for each person. I felt like a different person but I also felt the same. I loved watching them all talk. We all talked in short hand again and I loved every minute. I had nothing to write about.

AUGUST.
Nannying was sucking all the energy and life out of me. Being with the kids wasn't hard. It was balancing what I believe to be important in raising children and what the parents believe is right. Even if I disagreed with them I couldn't really do anything about it because children are parrots and copy cats. And then I would get fired. I worked at the spa and read Three Sisters thirteen times. When I came home after my shifts I would read the Masha lines out loud. I knew I could get the part. If I tried hard enough. Everyone started leaving with the usual obligatory, "This is my LAST night in town get togethers" which I will always find highly overrated. I left with my dad in the car that I bought.

SEPTEMBER.
I returned to Oregon and reunited with him. When I drove up to his house we hugged and didn't know how to speak anymore. He was thinner and slightly sadder. It was his first summer alone, as in, without his mothers cooking. I began to hear stories of the summer that I didn't hear from him and got increasingly uncomfortable. He put my mind at ease but I was still somewhat confused. I couldn't wait for school to start so I could put my everything into getting cast as Masha and working hard for the BFA. I had my best, most prepared audition and then my best, most prepared callback. Seven of us were called back for Masha and after we did one round of monologues five of them were dismissed. I was one of two left. And it was mine. It was all mine. I knew he wasn't expecting me and I knew he was intrigued. At midnight there were four actors left at callbacks. And I was one of them. But I saw what was happening. He was switching back and forth between me and the other girl for Masha. It was close. I went to the list and my name was not next to hers. I broke my rule about showing emotion at a list. I broke down right then and there. I felt like I was in a daze. I was completely confused. I was mortified that I was crying in front of a piece of paper. But she was on the list so I was half crying tears of joy and tears of confusion. My roommate and I bought a bottle of tequila and I chugged about four shots worth in the parking lot of the liquor store. It didn't make sense. I soon came to find out that a man who I trusted told the director he shouldn't cast me. I was furious. I wanted to throw things at him but he wasn't in the state anymore. She turned 21 and I snuck into the bars and danced and drank and didn't recognize myself.

OCTOBER.
I remained angry. I kept lashing out at people. Maybe because I was sad, maybe because my grandma was in and out of the hospitals and very day I was scared that I would answer a phone call from my mom and that would be it. My movement class frustrated me but also inspired me because I was so bad. My acting class just frustrated me. He was in the black box and had to kiss a prettier girl than me and it felt personal and horrible. Everyone kept looking at me like I was crazy and I felt crazy. How could I not. Somewhere halfway through October I realized we hadn't spent a night apart. Our bodies were so use to curling into each other. And for once, we both wanted it. I began to realize that I wasn't crazy at all and he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. His mom came and we saw the show together. Before the show just the two of us got ice cream and we talked like friends and I realized how much she liked me. I tried to play off that I didn't mind the kiss but it was horrible to see so close. The next weekend his dad came and I could tell once again how much he liked me. After seeing the show and spending time with us I think he felt bad he hadn't been there for him enough. He thanked me. Which was... interesting.

NOVEMBER.
She was amazing in the show. She finally got what she earned and I could not stop smiling thinking about it. I selfishly got teary eyed when they did the scene I did about seven times in callbacks. I still thought I could have done it. I FINALLY turned 21. I was still being mean and felt awkward for feeling sad that no one through me a birthday party. I felt even more dumb when they through me a surprise one. Since when did I become a person who wanted a birthday party? The showcase was going well and I started actually enjoying myself with it. Also my play was coming a long. The thing I couldn't think about was not getting into the BFA. I freaked out in class one day and cried and it was embarrassing. I got a bunch of callbacks and didn't get cast again.  I had to pack for Portland and go spend the weekend with his family for Thanksgiving and as excited as I was, I just wanted to be home. Thanksgiving was a blur of family members and dozens of glasses of wine. It felt nice being so welcomed into the family. The showcase RULED. I finally felt back on my feet. I loved the line, "People fear me even though I have spent my entire existence helping them on their way. I'm happy now, at last, to rest."

DECEMBER.
It seemed as though now everyone else was having their own freak outs about getting into the BFA sequence. I had already had mine and was busy making back up plan after back up plan. A professor I liked told me I was "perfection" and even though it wasn't constructive it made me feel good. We decided to go out to one of the fanciest restaurants in town instead of giving each other presents. It was the night before I left and the night before the list. I was half avoiding going to a party with thirty people who were waiting to find out their fates and half just wanting to spend some quality time alone. One of my "older brothers" was leaving and I knew it was going to be one of the last times I would see him for awhile. We took a shot of Makers together at the bar and he told me I had no where to go but up. The email never happened that night. I was sloppy drunk but I needed to be. The car came for me at 5am and I was still drunk on the plane home. We said goodbye. His face felt warm and comforting. When I arrived in LA I immediately attempted to fall asleep because it felt as though I hadn't slept in a year. I couldn't relax so I went and got a massage and when I woke up after an hour my phone was full of texts and emails. The list was here. But she wasn't on it. I'm still hopeful she will be...The recent night at the bar put many things into perspective. I'm glad I didn't peak in high school. He told me he wanted forever and my heart sank. I knew I couldn't promise that. When I got back to Ashland I felt strange until we talked about it in person. He held me and I cried because I knew in my heart he was going to tell me that it was over the next day. He did. I spent the rest of the day crying and I impulsively bought a ticket back home. I hurt everywhere. My heart aches. I ache. I know its the right thing. It just feels so horrible. 

New Years Resolution: Find myself by myself.