swollen lymph nodes.

I realize now that every part of me was holding out for the first week in August when I would see my lad again. But now that he can't make it out here and I can't mope anymore.

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor. She does the B.E.S.T method. something that I have always been skeptical about. she basically reads my body and my body tells her what it needs.
I've been going for years [shes a close friend of my moms] but honestly thought it was silly. I didn't buy into it.

Until yesterday.

I was laying of the table and she began to read my body. she cleared physical stress and my neck for the first time in over six months finally began to feel better. then she moved on to clearing my emotional history. [when ever she says "I'm going to clear your history" I imagine myself as a giant computer and her deleting my web history.]
When I was driving up to her office I passed a spot along the road that made my body tense up. I thought back to when I was seventeen years old sitting in a car with a boy.

Then she said, "Okay, looks like we're going back to when you were seventeen."
"What?" I said sitting up.
"Wow. It must be something big."
"No." I said laying back down.


After my treatment I lay there on the table with my eyes shut. I was calm and happy for the first time in weeks.

"You don't believe others actually care for you. You have a difficult time allowing yourself to feel other peoples compassion."
"I don't think thats----"
"Hey its just what your body told me."


I'm weak. Always tired. Its odd. I could sleep all day but someone always wakes me up. When I'm awake I wait and anticipate what I'll dream about at night. My dreams have been vivid and little glimpses of my past and things that haven't happened.

I think something is wrong with me.