that one is 'everest'.

Yesterday I bought myself a massage.
I've always felt odd undressing for a table. There was a moment of panic when my eyes darted around the dimly-lit room in search of a surface to put my clothes. One would think there would be a little stool or a chair. There always is a little chair that in any normal circumstance would be far too small for a human to sit on but in the spa world was made to put ones clothes.
I decided to crumple my clothes into a ball and awkwardly shove them in a closet with no hangers.
nothing was logical.

The first thing the masseuse said to me after feeling my back was, "You have wounds that are like mountains all over your back. It would take hours to repair all of your wounds."
As I'm laying there on the table, face in that little hole all I could think of is, "what is your definition of a wound my friend?"
She made it sound as though she would be taking a shovel and digging it into my back to create a more even landscape.
My mind was racing the entire time. All I could think about was how much my jaw hurt, how hungry I was, why my masseuse was wearing flip flops and socks, that I could still feel the effects of my pain medication, that I needed new jeans, that my hair was going to look gross after this, and that my stupid clothes were in a heap in the closet.
that was when I turned everything off.
I had made so much progress just being with myself I couldn't take five steps back.
As important as it is for me to be in tune, its almost more important for me to be out of tune.

VICARIOUSLY.

I just vomited two weeks worth of work onto a page.
Pain meds are working for me. but its actually probably not the pain meds. its the fact that I have been able to sit in Sarah Stew [as graphic and awful as that sounds I do not mean it literally by any means]
I have allowed myself to analyze the roots of my relationships with several different people. honestly. for the millionth time but this particular time is going to stick. I can feel it. alright, we may as well be up front shall we? [we? am I referring to myself as we?] I have analyzed my relationship with the boys/men in my life.
Men on leashes.
remember?
probably not.
in any case I stopped for awhile. I just couldn't because i was in this state of too much self-awareness.


VICARIOUSLY.
VICARIOUSLY.
VICARIOUSLY.

VICARIOUSLY.
VICARIOUSLY.
VICARIOUSLY.
VICARIOUSLY.

lost wisdom. found wisdom?

I woke up as a chipmunk this morning.

on the plus side, my diet is butterscotch pudding and soup and vicodin.

I have never been a recreational drug user and this is far from recreational [if i don't take it my mouth feels as though someone punched it] but I will say I had one of the most interesting dreams I've ever had last night. It was as though I stepped into an impressionist painting. I was laying in a field, and looking up at a painted sky with such concentration. the field stained my clothes with multicolored paints or dye, or whatever it was. the paint on my clothes made me feel more satisfaction then I've felt in a long time. because the best part of it all was I felt. I haven't been able to clear my thoughts here but for some reason it was clear there. I could sort out particular feelings for recent developments. It was nice having a place that was just mine.
none of this makes sense I bet.
then again,
I'm still on vicodin and I've gained at least five pounds of weight in my face from the swelling.

always one foot on the ground.

today I stood in IKEA with a task: desk lamp, comforter, pillows, perhaps a trashcan.
As I walked through the displays I couldn't help but notice the type of people who were wandering around next to me. Newlyweds, pregnant woman, other college students. That was when I reached for the same trashcan as a boy about my age. complete meet cute. I didn't have anything clever to say, so I smiled and reached for another trashcan.
It was in that moment that I imagined an entire conversation we would share and allowed myself to drift off into our first date and all that nonsense. complete and utter nonsense. [I would be clever and he would laugh at my jokes. when he would say "you're unlike anyone I've ever met" I would have actually believed him. He's magically going to the same tiny school as me and magically lives next door. He doesn't suffocate me.]

but wait a minute. When does that ever actually happen? It doesn't.
The phrase "stay grounded in reality" has been ringing through my head lately. In fact that phrase was what snapped me out of my work of fiction. I had been standing there staring at desk lamps for over five minutes.
So I picked the one right in front of me.

perhaps these past nine months I've been too grounded. [not grounded enough?] its hard to say.
difficult to see when you're the one looking in at yourself.

517

At any rate, last night made me confident. even though lately I've been indulging.
They say people eat when they're sad. People eat when they're bored. I've found that I've been eating to fill the empty. its been a couple months in the works this extra weight on me. it has been a GOOD couple of months.
I indulge.
indulge
indulge

It never occurred to me how many different connotations the word indulge can have.
lets think about them quietly to ourselves....

I'm full now.

[mostly]


to be a total dick and quote myself months ago I said this:
"ya know how in old movies at the very end the orchestra swells and everything has managed to fall into place? I think I would appreciate a split second like that."

Here's what I want to see.
I want to see a couple months after. After the orchestra reaches the final note of its crescendo. after that all goes away.
this decrescendo is the state I have been living in for months. its the calm normalcy. People need to see that and realize that the decrescendo is okay to live in. we expect too much. we expect what we see and don't bother cultivating anything new. its all about comfort. stability.
comfort and stability use to be my middle names.
they aren't anymore.
I've realized that by being so stuck in my ways I had lost the feeling in my finger tips.
how nice it was being kissed on the neck by a stranger.

its just connections. little connections that allow me to have my little secret always in the back of my mind.

DRY.

droge werktijd

烘乾咒語

séchez le charme

trocknen Sie Bann

ξηρά περίοδος

asciughi il periodo

綴りを乾燥しなさい

высушите произношение по буквам

HOW MANY LANGUAGES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT IN BEFORE IT BECOMES UNTRUE?

oh, and PS. I have the feeling I'm going to drop off these next couple of days.

douchemunch.

so ready for things to change.
that sounds so stupid teenage angsty but that is the only sentence I actually know how to string together that describes now.

I mean, they are.

but I'm thinking a monumental gust of wind needs to rush through my room and make it more messy.
then I need to grab some boxes, throw all of it in the car and drive up to school.

It appears to be the last [last? really? um, never last} little joke my surroundings is playing on me.
I get to leave.
but not until they ALL leave.

for the record, the whole bad ass thing is boring. its not appealing. maybe to some people but at the moment I'm not some people.

okay, that should do.

and they all look just the same.

so I may not resent myself, but I sure am beginning to feel a wave of resentment from an unexpected place.

is it cool if I throw up in my mouth a little bit? or maybe if I barfed on you you would get the point.

aight, sweet. thanks.

perhaps we all should get the bigger half. we've....earned it.

this is the only superstition I buy into.





I made two wishes.
is that allowed?

the second one is that I want to be charmed.
genuinely charmed.

To be perfectly frank:

for the first time in a very very long time I actually and actively looking for it.
and even more shocking than that, I don't resent myself for wanting it. my experiment has lasted long enough.
I have enough data stored away in my mind through my case studies.
I could write a book.
[I should finish my play]


if i was penny lane i would be just as scared.
I would just be better at hiding it.

pear.
pear.
pear.
pear.
pair?

I'm feeling....

N O T H I N G .

feeling nothing has never felt so good.

don't get me wrong, I'm pleased your here. but its different and its awesome.

some say its my middle name....

the whole "you could do better" thing rubs me the wrong way.

its called experimentation.
I'm a self-proclaimed relationship anthropologist.

allow it.

I rule at it.

and I never had to make a sound.

I spent the time in between looking at the cracks of the window covers. a little sliver of light making an appearance as I attempted to tap into my guilt. that is what I was suppose to do. think of all the awful things I've done that consume that bottom of my soul kind of place.

man did I find it.

[I should stop searching. but at the same time...shouldn't i?]

whose going to be the first person to ever really hear me without ever having to make a sound?

sarah spelled with a 'h' was getting bored.

I got into a verbal fistfight tonight with my justgotoutofaVERYseriousrelationship* friend. we've been close for a long time. Debating has been a staple in our friendship for the past five years but this got real.

monogamy is a concept I understand. I've been in relationships. I get it.
Here's my issue: That line between high school infatuation and actual solid gold love for another person.
I'm beginning to doubt it.


I mean I get it in theory. It makes sense. But at this age how exactly is it possible to feel that for another person? I just don't see it. While maintaining simple logic and personal boundaries I believe its vital to act on impulses. if you want to kiss someone, by all means kiss them. its experimentation at its finest. and its important. the disruption in the balances of impulses and the little tug that holds us back from actually doing what we truly want to do creates this amazing rush. Its as though you are actually capable of controlling your own life because OH WAIT you ALWAYS should be.

but when you're in it its different.
then again, that's the infatuation speaking.

*you know what I realized is one of my least favorite phrases? "serious relationship" Relationships should NOT be business agreements. they should be silly.

I'm an inch taller. The games stop now.

the following are letters to some of the boys/lads/men that I was involved with in high school.
viewer discretion advised

Dear Orphan Shaggy,
The truth of the matter is that we got together because you played guitar and you were shy. you were wounded. You were my project. You were tall. On the surface our relationship was stupid. But deeper, probably the closer to one am it got we had something real. You were the first person I wanted to share my midnight pancakes with. You were fun to hang out with at five in the morning when you crashed on my couch because you didn't have anywhere else to go. You were my intro to high school relationships.
thanks bro,
your groupie

Dear Sincere and Earnest Kitten,
I should have stayed with you longer. You were the most sincere and the best one. [if that wasn't clear already]. You were suppose to fill a void. that was horrible for me to use you for that. in fact, knowing you now even better it may be in theory one of the worst things I have done.[and I've done a lot of bad things] But now we're friends. And you tell me that I lead you to what you want to do. That gives me too much credit. You were already headed there my darling. I want to act with you. I want to play characters that are in love so we can be in love for the first time.
fondly,
the cougar

Dear Wannabe,
You are stupid
from,
the girl with x-ray vision

Dear Man-Child,
Seeing you waste away, waste your potential use to make me hurt. I don't care anymore. Sorry. I thought you were genuine. I let you in. you didn't treat me with respect. You didn't realize that I'm worth it. That day on my picnic table was the first day of the rest of my romantic life. You taught me how to avoid the douchebags. How to avoid the re-bounders. How to be independent. How did I learn that you ask? [of course I'll answer, I was always the smarter one you just thought you were] I learned what not to do in a relationship from our time together.
peace out,
harder, better, faster,stronger...[than you]

Dearest CEO,
I have a strange feeling that the romance between us is evaporating. I could be completely wrong but I believe that it is happening as I type this. Realistically its for the best. Someone literally just reminded me that I always fall back on you. You deserve to not be my fall back anymore. If you only really knew all you deserved you would have mountains worth of confidence. The confidence you should have. I'm still halfway down for our agreement but we'll see. I'm probably not down. and I don't think you will be.
always,
your business partner

Dear Plastic Bag,
I liked the way we looked together. That's how it began. it turned into more. You were the first person that I didn't mind getting up early for. also, you were the person I liked driving around with most even though most of the time I didn't like your music. I am sorry for jerking you around. I'm also sorry for hating you secretly. Your awkwardness made my skin crawl but now I understand it. I wonder how things would have been if I had chosen differently at the end of last summer. Different. Very Different. I use to regret it. I don't anymore.
friendly,
formally suffocated


Dear William Miller,
You made me feel good about myself. Too good. It was easy. Too easy? perhaps. Our late night talks were always the best part of my day. there was always a feeling of completely and utter content when I would fall asleep. It felt like too much of a difference. I was filling out college applications when I realized it. Now you are the little brother that I always wanted and should have recognized from the beginning. It would have been incest.
There will be a Morocco [someday],
yours,
Penny Lane.

Dear Forgiving,
Our relationship consists of me doing really stupid things and you somehow always forgiving me. I don't get it. And then you fall for me again. I still haven't figured us out. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know I'm sorry starts meaning less the more someone says it. We're almosts. True almosts. not just in our relationship but with everything. You are capable of so much. Hope I'm there to witness those things. Maybe just not from the seat you wish I was watching from. you always say it'll never be the same again but then its always better than before.
love always,
Ms. Fixit

Bro,
Bro ya later...
-Bro

maybe it was that fucking old fiddle of yours.

the fact that in certain aspects of the work I've done this summer is gold and some of it is chicken shit just goes to show how inconsistent I am. I hate the fact that the one emotion I cannot tap into is one of love and comfort. It just doesn't happen. If I truly follow the technique that my acting teacher as taught us, I am suppose to go with immediate gut reactions.
My gut reaction when someone tells me he loves me in a scene is to laugh at him. its awkward and not true. and even if hes trying to make it true, trying to convey actually love, I'm not buying what hes selling. I can tell it frustrates my acting teacher and the amount it frustrates me is insurmountable.

I need some seasoning or something because I am bitter.

that much is clear.
*and the truth of the matter is before this all happened you were different.

even articokes make mistakes.

lets just call it as it is. I get a little overzealous. when something new happens more often than not I am so surprised that it did that I have to say it out loud to another person to actually believe it. here's where I get in trouble. the saying out loud part. the funny thing is while I am very honest and tell things as they are, how I see them, there is still a lot of things I don't say. I'm still polite right? mostly.I continue to sabotage certain relationships because they are gasping for air, hoping something will change without any actual belief that it will.
in that sense, it isn't my fault. somethings don't change. I can't force myself to want something I don't. I can't just not tell people whats up. I can't be the one that has to compromise how I am.

[I thought we had been over this]