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At any rate, last night made me confident. even though lately I've been indulging.
They say people eat when they're sad. People eat when they're bored. I've found that I've been eating to fill the empty. its been a couple months in the works this extra weight on me. it has been a GOOD couple of months.
I indulge.
indulge
indulge

It never occurred to me how many different connotations the word indulge can have.
lets think about them quietly to ourselves....

I'm full now.

[mostly]


to be a total dick and quote myself months ago I said this:
"ya know how in old movies at the very end the orchestra swells and everything has managed to fall into place? I think I would appreciate a split second like that."

Here's what I want to see.
I want to see a couple months after. After the orchestra reaches the final note of its crescendo. after that all goes away.
this decrescendo is the state I have been living in for months. its the calm normalcy. People need to see that and realize that the decrescendo is okay to live in. we expect too much. we expect what we see and don't bother cultivating anything new. its all about comfort. stability.
comfort and stability use to be my middle names.
they aren't anymore.
I've realized that by being so stuck in my ways I had lost the feeling in my finger tips.
how nice it was being kissed on the neck by a stranger.

its just connections. little connections that allow me to have my little secret always in the back of my mind.